I watched Wonder Woman's kids last night for her and as a thank you she took me and my kids bowling with her kids. I would have preferred a night of doing body shots with Ewan McGregor, but I'll take what I'm given. So my phone is all buggered up and she couldn't call so she shows up at about 4:30 and is all like "Let's go bitch! I have the kids in the car!"
And I'm all like "Simmer down there sweetheart. I didn't even know we were going right 'till this very second."
And she's all like "Enough with your lame excuses. Get your ass in gear and I'll meet you there."
So I ask my kids if they want to go bowling.
Kid4: "Bowling! Fuck ya!"
Kid3: "Damn straight. We're going to beat your ass so hard you won't know what hit you."
Kid2: "Bring it on bitch!"
Kid1 "Yeah, I guess I'll go."
So we all pile in the car and I drive us there and I don't get lost even though I didn't know where it was or that a bowling alley even existed in that area. We go to get our shoes.
Me: "What size of shoe are you kid1?"
Kid1: "How the fuck should I know? You're the one who buys them."
Me: "Just take a guess, you fucking ray of sunshine."
Kid2: "These shoes are too big."
Me: "Go exchange them then."
Kid2: "Oh I am, I just wanted to let you know that you fucked up."
Me: "I love you too."
Shoe drama ends and we go to the lane where Wonder Woman is getting us set up. Today is her 40th birthday (and here I still being all 35 and stuff, suck it Wonder Woman) and she is spending it bowling with both of our kids. She asks what name I want.
Me: "Queen of Awesome would be fine."
Wonder Woman: "No. How about slut?"
Me: "Sexy?"
Wonder Woman: "How about 'Person who would have sex with anyone for a box of doughnuts'"
Me: "How is that different from slut?"
Wonder Woman: "I think it's more along the lines of 'Whore'"
Me: "You could put 'Slut with good business sense'?"
Wonder Woman: "I'll just put 'Hottie'. You're going to be next to me, you should at least delude yourself into thinking you can hold a match."
Me: "Yeah well, I'm not the one who's forty today."
Wonder Woman's Kid1: "Would you two shut the fuck up and just put something down so we can bowl and I can get back to my video games?"
So we bowl. I suck at bowling but I don't care. My strategy it to throw the ball hard and not care where it goes. That doesn't usually work out so well for me but they had those bumper thingies up for the little ones so I hit at least one pin each time. We're doing fine, I'm doing fine and then frame eight comes around. Ah, frame eight how I love you. STRIKE! Yeah, and the ball didn't even bounce off the gutter guard thingies so it was a real strike! And then frame nine and FUCK YEAH STRIKE NUMBER TWO! Another real strike! And then it all goes to shit in frame ten and I think I hit maybe three pins. And then it's time to go home.
Me: "OK kids, pack it in. We have to get home before daddy because he doesn't have key and will be locked out."
Kid4: "Fuck that! I didn't get strike! I'm not leaving until I get a fucking strike!"
So we left her there. I called the bowling alley a few minutes ago and she's still trying for her strike. I told them to call me when it happens and I'll come and pick her up.
BONUS HALLOWE'EN STUFF
I'm not a huge Hallowe'en fan. I love the chocolate and stuff and it's a free for all in this house with it so I get my share, but it's just so much work. Of course, that's my own fucking fault as I like to make the kids costumes. This year, the kids all decided to be villains from Batman. My brother heard about this and told me he and his daughter were going out as Batman and Robin and so we decided to go together. My brother is a huge hallowee'en fan and so he decided that I couldn't go out as just myself so he put together a Penguin costume for me. I've been waddling and cackling since he told me. I'll look dapper in my top hat, I think!
