I am the best mom. Ever.

For Easter each year I get my kids a book each. This year, it was cookbooks. Kid4 got The Unofficial Harry Potter Cookbook, Kid3 got The Unofficial Hunger Games Cookbook, Kid2 got Last Dinner On the Titanic and Kid1 would have got The Manga Cookbook if it came on time. Which it didn't. We're still waiting. But I also have The Fantasy Cookbook that I bought a few years ago. Because I am a geek.

Yesterday, I cooked a recipe that each of them chose from each book. It took me all day. I will repeat that. It took me all. Fucking. Day. Plus there was a trip to the grocery store. And it wasn't even a special occasion. A four course meal for no special reason? Pin that Mom of the Year medal on me bitches because I totally won this year.

But! Not only am I the best mom in the world, I am also the best friend in the world. When I posted about my awesome cookbooks on Facebook, my friend Johnna asked to share some recipes. So, because I am awesome and so is Johnna, I will post my menu from last night. Rest assured that I tested all of these recipes and they got the In Sickness and In Health stamp of approval.

Course one - Elf Fruit Dip from The Fantasy Cookbook

1 cup sour cream
2 tsp. vanilla brandy
3 to 4 tbsp. honey

Mix all ingredients.

I didn't have vanilla brandy and the grocery store didn't carry it. Since I don't love my kids enough to make a special stop, I used vanilla extract instead and it was fine. I served a dollop on top of a fruit salad as course one.

Course two - Prim's Sweet Goat Cheese Salad from The Hunger Games Coookbook

3 cups romaine lettuce
1/2 cup fresh blueberries
1/2 cup fresh respberries
1/4 cup dried cranberries
1/2 cup sunflower seeds
1/4 cup chopped pecans
1/2 cup crumbled goat cheese
1/4 cup while balsamic vinegar
1/4 cup maple syrup
1/4 cup olive oil
Sea salt to taste.

Toss the lettuce, berries, nuts, seeds and cheese in a large bowl. Pour the vinegar, syrup and oil over salad and toss until coated.

But that's not what I did. I tossed the salad and then combined the vinegar, syrup and oil in a Tupperware container. I shook the dressing and poured it over each serving. Also, I didn't have white balsamic vinegar so I used just regular balsamic vinegar and it was just divine. I mean really, I will make this salad again and again and again only I won't include the fresh fruit because I am weird and I don't like fruit. Also, make sure you use real maple syrup. I don't know what that table syrup shit would taste like in this recipe. Probably gross because table syrup? Ew.

Course three - Chicken Lyonnaise and Chateau Potatoes from Last Dinner on the Titanic and Carrots Unicorn from The Fantasy Cookbook

Chicken Lyonnaise

1/3 cup all purpose flour
2 tbsp chopped fresh thyme (or 1 tbsp dried)
1/2 tsp each salt and pepper
6 boneless chicken breasts
1 egg, beaten (poor egg, what did it ever do to you!)
3 tbsp vegetable oil
2 onions, thinly sliced
1 clove garlic, minced
1/3 cup white wine
1 cup chicken stock
2 tsp tomato paste
Pinch granulated sugar

In a sturdy plastic bag, shake together flour, 1 tbsp of the thyme or 1 1/2 tsp if using dried, sal and pepper. One at a time, dip the chicken breasts into egg and then shake in flour mixture.

In large deep skillet, heat 2 tbsp of the oil over medium-high heat. Place chiken in pan, skin side down. Cook, turning once, for 10 minutes or until golden brown. Remove from skillet and place in 225F oven.

Reduce heat to medium; add remaining oil to skillet. Stir in onions, garlic and remaining thyme: cook, stirring often, for 5 minutes or until onions are translucent. Increase heat to medium-high and continue to cook onions, stirring often, for 5 minutes or until golden brown.

Add wine to pan; cook, stirring to scrape up any brown bits, for about 1 minute or until reduced by half. Stir in stock, tomato paste and sugar. Boil for 2 minutes or until beginning to thicken. Return chicken to pan, turning to coat, and cook for 5 minutes or until juices run clear.

So - I pretty much followed the recipe except I didn't have any wine and I still don't love my kids enough to make a special stop so I substituted white grape juice. I also didn't have any skin on chicken breasts (which, I think the author was fucking with me because can you even get boneless chicken breasts with the skin on?) so I used boneless skinless. Next time, and there will be a next time because this was both really good and easy to make, I will use just regular chicken breasts with the bone and skin.

Chateau Potatoes

6 Medium potatoes
2 tbsp unsalted butter
1 tbsp vegetable oil
1 tbsp finely chopped fresh rosemary leaves
1/2 tsp each salt and pepper

Peel potatoes; using a turning knife, cut into eight-sided shapes (alternatively, cut into thick, even shaped wedges). Meanwhile, place butter, oil and rosemary in large, rimmed baking sheet. Set pan in 425F oven for 2 to 3 minutes or until butter is sizzling.

Pat potatoes dry; place in heated pan and stir to coat with butter mixture Bake in 425F oven, stirring occasionally; for 35 too 40 minutes or until potatoes are golden brown. Season with salt and pepper.

I sill don't love my kids enough to cut the potatoes into eight-sided shapes, which are supposed to look like this but if I did it they would probably end up like this, so I just bought some small red potatoes and cut them in half. Also, I didn't have fresh rosemary (other than, you know, Kid4 who can be kind of fresh sometimes) so I used 1/2 tbsp crushed dried rosemary. Also, I only had salted butter and it was just fine. These were easy and really, really good.

Carrots Unicorn

1 1/2 tbsp butter or oil
2 1/3 cups sliced carrots
1/4 tsp mace or 1/2 tsp nutmet
1/4 tsp allspice
1/4 tsp vegesal or salt
4 tbsp raisins
1/3 cup pineapple chunks
1/2 cup unpeeled, chopped apple
1/8 cup tooasted cashews

In a pan, saute carrots in butter or oil for 3 to 4 minutes. Add the spices. Cover and cook over low heat until carrots are crunchy yet tender. When they are ready, add the fruit and nuts and just heat through.

I have made this many times because it's so easy and really good. But, I cook the carrots until they are browned slightly because I do and fuck you if you think that's wrong. Also, I add both mace and nutmeg (but only 1/4 tsp because too much nutmeg is not a good thing) and don't use allspice. This time, I added some dried cranberries since I had them anyway for the salad. And I forgot the cashews which was a bit of a mixed blessing. On the one hand, they really add to the dish and it wasn't right without them. On the other hand, I didn't have to share my cashews with anyone and they are now sitting on the kitchen counter waiting for me (and only me) to eat. In fact, I think I'll have a handful right now.


Dessert - Custard Sponge Sandwich (from Hagrid) from the Harry Potter Cookbook

Sponge Cake
1 1/2 cups all-purpose four
1 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1 1/2 sticks butter, at room temperature
3 large eggs, at room temperature
Confectioners' sugar, for dusting

Custard Filling
1 cup while milk plus 1/2 cup heavy cream or 1 1/2 cups whole milk
1/4 cup granulated sugar, divided
3 tbsp cornstarch
Pinch salt
3 large egg yolks
1/2 tsp pule vanilla extract
1 tbsp butter (in not using heavy cream)
Whipped Cream for serving.

Preheat the oven to 350F. Crease two 8-inch cake pans and line the bottoms with parchment paper. Whisk together the flour, baking powder and salt in a mixing bowl and set aside.

Using an electric mixer, beat the utter and sugar in a large bowl until light and fluffy, scraping down the side of the bowl as needed, about 5 minutes. Add the eggs one at a time, beating after each until incorporated and scraping down the sides as needed. Add the flour mixture and mic on the slowest speed until combined. Finish by scraping down and folding the bater together with a rubber spatula.

Divide the batter even between the two pans and bake for about 20 minutes until the cakes are golden brown around the edges 0 the tops of the cakes will be pale - and the cakes feel soft but set when touched lightly in the centre of a toothpick inserted in the centre comes out clean. Let the cakes cool in the pans for 10 minutes, then invert onto a wire rack and cool completely.

To make the custard, combine the milk or milk and heavy cream, t tbsp of the sugar, cornstarch and salt in a small saucepan and mix until the cornstarch is dissolved. Whisk the yolks with the remaining 2 tbsp in a medium bowl until smooth.

Heat the milk mixture over medium-high heat, stirring constantly, until it is hot but not bubbling. Reduce the heat to low. Pour 1/2 cup of the hot mixture in a slow stream into the egg yolk mixture while whisking quickly to temper the egg yolks. Pour the egg yolk mixture slowly back into the saucepan while stirring constantly. Return the pan to medium-high heat, stirring constantly, until the mixture thickens and begins to boil. (Once the mixture begins to thicken, it must be handled gently so the cornstarch won't lost its thickening power.)

Remove the pan from the heat and add the vanilla. Add butter if you did not use heavy cream. Stir gently until the butter is melted and combined. Strain the custard through a sieve into a bowl to ensure a smooth custard. (Use a rubber spatula to push the custard through the sieve.) Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until cold.

To assemble the cake, place on cake layer top-side down on a cardboard round. Spread the custard over the cake until withing 1/2 inch of the border. Top with the other cake layer, top-side up. Dust the top of the cake generously with the confectioners' sugar. Keep refrigerated, but bring to room temperature before serving. Serve with whipped cream and have it with tea.

So, I didn't take my eggs out of the fridge before using them so they weren't at room temperature. And I thought I had cornstarch but I didn't and, if you're following the theme you'll have figured it out by now, I don't love my kids enough to make a special trip just for cornstarch so I used flour. And we didn't drink tea with it but it was still really good.


So that was our special dinner. I'm trying to decide if I love my kids enough to do it again.


BONUS NEXT COOKBOOK I'M BUYING

Why I am the best mom in the world (also, my kid is really smart).

Kid1's birthday was in November.  She loves Final Fantasy.  A new Final Fantasy game came out Jan. 31st.  In November, I told her I was going to get it for her for her birthday.  On January 31st, I showed up at the mall at 9:30.  The stores didn't open until 10:00.  I wanted to be there to make sure that I got a copy.  So I took kid4 to the mall (which is my own personal hell... I hate the mall) a half hour before it opened and waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.

Me: "Ugh! I'm tired of this."
Kid4: "No kidding right? Let's blow this pop stand and go do something crazy!"
Me: "I can't. I have to get the game for kid1."
Kid4: "You love her more than me, don't you."
Me: "Yes."

So we get tired of waiting and ten minutes before the store opens we go for a walk. It takes us five minutes to walk around and get back to the store.

Me: "Blah. That only took us five minutes."
Kid4(who just turned six): "That means we still have to wait for five minutes."
Me: "How did you figure that out?"
Kid4 (with a look that says I'm the dumbest woman to ever walk the planet): "5 plus 5 is 10."
Me: "So if it took us 7 minutes, how long would we have to wait?"
Kid4: "What, are you some kind of fucking moron? Three."

Then the store opens and there are four of us waiting to go in.  But, because kid4 is small, she gets in line first.  Awesome!

Me: "How much is it?"
Store Employee: "A lot."
Me: "Look, I was here a half hour before the mall opened to get a game that I'm not going to play. Don't fuck with me and just tell me."
Store Employee: "Sixty dollars."

Kid1 was then the proud owned of Final Fantasy XIII-2.  And I am the best. mom. ever.


BONUS MY KIDS ARE ALL GEEKS
Kid2 discovered Harry Potter this Christmas.  Since then, the kids have talked about nothing that isn't Harry Potter related.  Yesterday they were playing a hybrid Star Wars/Harry Potter/Final Fantasy XIII game. I've never been more proud!

A friend of mine used to call it "boweling".

I watched Wonder Woman's kids last night for her and as a thank you she took me and my kids bowling with her kids.  I would have preferred a night of doing body shots with Ewan McGregor, but I'll take what I'm given. So my phone is all buggered up and she couldn't call so she shows up at about 4:30 and is all like "Let's go bitch! I have the kids in the car!"
And I'm all like "Simmer down there sweetheart.  I didn't even know we were going right 'till this very second."
And she's all like "Enough with your lame excuses. Get your ass in gear and I'll meet you there."

So I ask my kids if they want to go bowling.
Kid4: "Bowling! Fuck ya!"
Kid3: "Damn straight. We're going to beat your ass so hard you won't know what hit you."
Kid2: "Bring it on bitch!"
Kid1 "Yeah, I guess I'll go."

So we all pile in the car and I drive us there and I don't get lost even though I didn't know where it was or that a bowling alley even existed in that area.  We go to get our shoes.
Me: "What size of shoe are you kid1?"
Kid1: "How the fuck should I know?  You're the one who buys them."
Me: "Just take a guess, you fucking ray of sunshine."
Kid2: "These shoes are too big."
Me: "Go exchange them then."
Kid2: "Oh I am, I just wanted to let you know that you fucked up."
Me: "I love you too."

Shoe drama ends and we go to the lane where Wonder Woman is getting us set up.  Today is her 40th birthday (and here I still being all 35 and stuff, suck it Wonder Woman) and she is spending it bowling with both of our kids. She asks what name I want.

Me: "Queen of Awesome would be fine."
Wonder Woman: "No.  How about slut?"
Me: "Sexy?"
Wonder Woman: "How about 'Person who would have sex with anyone for a box of doughnuts'"
Me: "How is that different from slut?"
Wonder Woman: "I think it's more along the lines of 'Whore'"
Me: "You could put 'Slut with good business sense'?"
Wonder Woman: "I'll just put 'Hottie'. You're going to be next to me, you should at least delude yourself into thinking you can hold a match."
Me: "Yeah well, I'm not the one who's forty today."
Wonder Woman's Kid1: "Would you two shut the fuck up and just put something down so we can bowl and I can get back to my video games?"

So we bowl.  I suck at bowling but I don't care.  My strategy it to throw the ball hard and not care where it goes.  That doesn't usually work out so well for me but they had those bumper thingies up for the little ones so I hit at least one pin each time.  We're doing fine, I'm doing fine and then frame eight comes around.  Ah, frame eight how I love you.  STRIKE!  Yeah, and the ball didn't even bounce off the gutter guard thingies so it was a real strike!  And then frame nine and FUCK YEAH STRIKE NUMBER TWO!  Another real strike! And then it all goes to shit in frame ten and I think I hit maybe three pins.  And then it's time to go home.

Me: "OK kids, pack it in. We have to get home before daddy because he doesn't have key and will be locked out."
Kid4: "Fuck that! I didn't get strike! I'm not leaving until I get a fucking strike!"

So we left her there.  I called the bowling alley a few minutes ago and she's still trying for her strike.  I told them to call me when it happens and I'll come and pick her up.



BONUS HALLOWE'EN STUFF
I'm not a huge Hallowe'en fan.  I love the chocolate and stuff and it's a free for all in this house with it so I get my share, but it's just so much work. Of course, that's my own fucking fault as I like to make the kids costumes. This year, the kids all decided to be villains from Batman.  My brother heard about this and told me he and his daughter were going out as Batman and Robin and so we decided to go together.  My brother is a huge hallowee'en fan and so he decided that I couldn't go out as just myself so he put together a Penguin costume for me.  I've been waddling and cackling since he told me.  I'll look dapper in my top hat, I think!

Public transportation and your five year old

Me: Kid4, we need to go downtown today.  We'll be bussing it.
Kid4: Fuck yeah! I fucking love the bus! And dowtown?  With those coloured trees?  I fucking love those!  Today is going to kick ass!
Me: Oh shit! We're out of bus tickets for me.  We have to go to Shoppers and get some before we go.
Kid4: All right mom! Let's do this thing!

So we walk to Shoppers and pick up some tickets for me.

Cashier to Kid4: I love your glasses!
Kid4: Damn straight you do.  My mom shelled out $200 for these bad boys.
Cashier: I especially love the inside of them.
Kid4: Yeah, they're the shit.  Not only are they yellow, but they are florescent yellow on the inside.

We get on the bus and all is cool. We can't sit together because it's pretty busy.  Kid4 is in complete bliss and am I a bit envious because I wish that riding the bus wasn't such a chore and I wanted to be five all over again but then I remembered what the teenage years were like and I don't want to live through that all over again.  A couple gets on the bus and gets off a couple of stops before us.

Kid4: Hey mom, see those two.  They're in love.
Me: How do you know.
Kid4: She kept hugging him.  You know, like when you and dad punch each other?  Like that.  Only not as bruising.

BONUS OLD PERVY WOMAN
So I'm watching The Fresh Beat Band with kid4 and I'm wondering if it's bad if I'm busy thinking about what the guys would look like naked and if they're any good in bed.  I'm a dirty old woman and there is a special place in hell for me, I think.  Please tell me I'm normal. Or at least tell me I'll have company in hell.

Beat those big bad bugs with the bug spray.

Yesterday I found one single bedbug hiding in a towel in the bathroom.  The scenerio went something like this:

Me getting out of the shower and grabbing the towel I had set on the counter to use.  Bedbug climbs out of the towel.  I throw the towel across the room and yell "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!"

I mean, we paid an exterminator over $1,000 to get rid of the fuckers in early July and one lives.  Oh, it doesn't live anymore.  That motherfucker is dead. But still, if there's one... (I threw the towel it was hiding in in the garbage).  To top things off, we have a bee hive in our soffit near the kitchen window.  We were just going to let it stay there (I discovered it during my two week mono house arrest) but Kevin left the kitchen light on overnight and the bees, somehow, got into the house.  In the kitchen.  Where I refused to set foot while a swarm of bees lay waiting for me.  So I call Kevin and tell him about the bedbug.

Kevin: Are you sure it's a bedbug.
Me: I know more about bedbugs than I ever wanted to.  It's a bedbug.
Kevin: Well great. Did you call the exterminator?
Me: No, I'm going to call him as soon as I get off the phone with you.  But, you need to come home.  I need you to kill the bees.  I think they're planning something.  Something evil.  Something sinister.  They saw the honey in the cupboard and they know.
Kevin: Yeah, I'll be there when I can.

I call the exterminator and tell him he's a fucking useless piece of shit and there's a bedbug alive in my house.  OK, no I didn't call him that because no exterminator will guarantee anything when it comes to bedbug.  I guess that makes them all useless pieces of shit but I hope they don't read this because I need one of them to come back and take care of the bee hive and possibly spray the house again.

So Kevin gets home and there is carnage everywhere.  Not a bee in the house is safe.  THERE WAS A FIREFIGHT! I am happy to report that there are now no bees in this house.

But there's still the possibility that there's bedbugs and that just pisses me off.  So I did what any good parent would do.  I took it out on the kids.  They came home from school.

Me: That basement is a fucking pig sty.  I want it clean.  You don't know how many bedbugs could be hiding in there.  No computer time until that place is clean.
Kids: Sure mom!  Anything for you! What the fuck mom!  You fucking bitch!  You make us do all the work in the house and you just sit on your ass and eat bonbons all day.
Me: I am hanging on a thread of my sanity.  Clean the fucking basement or I will go ape shit on you.

So the basement is on the way to being clean, my house may have bedbugs again and when life gives you lemons, make margaritas because then you'll at least be able to get drunk.

BONUS PICTURE

Freedom awaits them out there.  But if I let them go, who would clean the bathroom?

If being a stay at home mom is the best job in the world, why are you so happy when school starts again?

If it weren't for the fact that my kids would be eternally stupid because I can't teach, I would homeschool them so I wouldn't have to get up in the morning.  School really cramps our style.  But they're back to it.  Well, Kid1, Kid2 and Kid3 are.  Kid4 doesn't start for another couple of weeks because.... I don't know really.  I guess the kindergarten teachers need more time to prepare or something?  I know I would if I had a class full of 4 to 6 year old kids.  Hell, I would need more time to prepare and an advance in my salary to cover to cost of the valium I would need.

BONUS WEATHER UPDATE
Mother nature sure is nice to my kids.  The day before school started the weather turned cold so they wouldn't have to sit in a class while it was all nice and sunny and reminding them of how just a week ago they were outside playing (or inside driving me nuts).  If I were mother nature, I would have made it the nicest day of the whole summer they first day of school.  That way, those of us who don't work could sit outside and sip a martini and gloat when our kids came home from school.  As it is, I played video games all day and gloated about that.

A day at the zoo. Also, pelicans are jerks.

Ahem.  Hi.  I have decided to completely abandon my old blog.  You see, I wasn't so good at updating it after a while.  And I wondered why that was.  And then I realized that it was probably because that it was just too philosophical for my own tastes.  Not that everything I wrote about was philosophical, or anything.  It's just, well, I'm a "if my choices are to laugh or to cry, I'm going to laugh so hard they'll be forced to commit me" type of person.  But the blog was cathartic and I miss it.  So I am starting this one.  And I am going to write about the day I spent at the zoo with my kids today.

I have narcolepsy.  It's fun, really.  It's kind of like being drunk, except take away all of the euphoria, reduced inhibitions and crazy, erratic behaviour parts.  What you're left with is nausea, imbalance, dizziness, and no muscle coordination.  See, FUN!  So I take drugs to help with this.  And these drugs keep me awake.  And I drove two hours at 7:30 at night today, taking the drugs at 7:00 so I would stay awake while driving.  And it's now 11:20 and they haven't worn off.  Also, I took decongestant, gravol and Ibuprofen.   I have so many drugs in my system right now Lindsay Lohan would be impressed.

My day at the zoo started at 7:30 when we left (it was a family vacation but Kevin wasn't invited so he stayed home.  Sucker (me, not him)).  As we were getting off the off ramp and onto the highway, Kid4 gets excited as we go under the overpass.

Kid4: "See Kid2!  That's the bridge WE WERE JUST ON!  HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THAT!"
Kid2: "Fuck yeah!  That rocks!"

Then I wanted to be a kid again and get excited about going under overpasses.  Then I wondered if I would have to relive everything past childhood or if I could stay a kid.  Then I started thinking of all of the things I would do differently if I could relive my life over again.  And then I saw a cloud in the shape of a penis and forgot what I was thinking about.

It took us two and a half hours to get there - but that was not my fault, it was rush hour when we hit Toronto.  I am directionally challenged and we don't have a GPS.  So I rely on my written instructions I copy from Google Maps whenever I go somewhere.  In my mind, Scarborough (where the zoo is located) is where Mississauga is (where the zoo is not located) so I start thinking it strange that we have to drive through Toronto to get to the zoo.  But, I got us there.

Me: "I did it kids!  We made it!  We didn't even get lost ONCE!"
Kids: "Yeah, can we get out of the car now?"
We get out of the car.
Me: "Aren't you guys even the slightest bit impressed?  We started in London and ended up AT THE  GODDAMN ZOO!"
Kids: "Just like millions have done before us. Big deal.  Can we go now?"
Me: "I'M THE KING OF THE FUCKING WOOOOOOORRRRLLLLD!"
Kids: "Mom, get off the fucking car and just pay for us to get into the zoo."

We get in the zoo.  We see some animals.  I don't have a watch.  I am starting to get hungry.  It must be lunch time!  But where to eat?  Hmmmm, there doesn't seem to be anywhere.  We'll just keep looking while we see all of these animals.  Oh, look.  Warthogs.  Look at those cute little things!  Just like hogs, but wartier! Can you cook those?  Would they taste like ham?  Is there not any damn place around here that even sells chips?  No.  Focus, Sara, focus.  Hey, Hippos!  Pygmy Hippos!  They're so cute!  And plump! And juicy! And would fit on a spit over a nice roaring fire!  With BBQ sauce!  (And somewhere in there I remember I told Kid1 to shut up.  I would have normally felt guilty about that but I was hungry and it got her to shut up so screw it.)

Me: "Kids, unless you want me to yell at you for the rest of this trip, we will be getting something to eat NOW.  I'm hungry and I'm cranky. We'll come back and look at the gorillas later.  Oh look!  They're eating!  Why can't I be eating?"
Kids: "But mom! We want to see the penguins first, you said we could see the penguins before lunch!"
Me: "That was when I wasn't hungry.  I'm hungry so we eat.  I'm mom.  I'm the dictator.  I'm the one holding the money.  WE EAT NOW!"
Kids: "But mom!  We just want to-"
Me: "Look, I talked to the zoo guy at the komodo dragon.  He said he lets moms throw in bratty kids who talk back.  Especially bratty kids who WON'T LET THEIR MOM EAT."
We ate and then went to see the penguins.

The penguins share an enclosure with the pelicans.  Look at the penguins:

Awwwww!  Who's a cute little bird who thinks it's a fish?  You are, that's who!

Now look at the pelicans.

Their looks even says "I'm an asshole".  They chased the penguins out of this tiny corner of the enclosure so they could... I don't even know.  It didn't look like prime real estate to me but I am neither a pelican or a penguin so what do I know.  The three that stayed there, stayed out of fear.  Fear of what the pelicans would do if they realized they were still there.  I mean, this is how they look WHEN THEY'RE SLEEPING!

 That penguin in the corner is wearing a look of terror!  Cute, adorable, terror!  But then along comes this guys:

Pelican: "What the fuck, penguin.  Didn't we JUST kick you out of here? Do you need another lesson?"
Penguin: "I don't give a shit.  I'm a penguin and everyone came here to see me be cute and do that swim/fly thing I do in the water.  Deal with it, motherfucker."

So we go and do more stuff at the zoo and we discover the Great Barrier Reef exhibit.  It was fab.  And then we got to the jelly fish.  Oh, the jelly fish.

Kids: "Mom, we want to go.  We haven't even seen the lions yet!"
Me: "No.  We can't. They're trying to tell me something."
Kids: "You've lost your fucking mind."
Me: "No, they are unveiling the secrets to the universe.  I can almost decipher what they're saying!"
I'm not sure what happened or how long I was standing there but what I remember clearly is coming to on the floor in front of the jelly fish tanks with a zoo employee holding what looked like a cattle prod.
Me: "I'm not sure what got into me there. Sorry about that."
Zoo Employee: "No worries, happens all the time."

After a long and fun filled day, I decided I love my kids enough to try to buy their affections and told them they could have a souvineer.  We don't usually go for those things.  Pictures are usually enough.  Looking back now... fucking jelly fish.

So Kid1 chooses a plush baby seal.  Kid2 chooses a plush penguin. Kid4 also chooses a plush penguin.  If your powers of observation are any good and you can count to four, you will notice that Kid3 is left undecided.  It was left up to Kid1, Kid2 and Kid4 to help her decide because I just started yelling "JUST PICK A FUCKING ANIMAL ALREADY! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE EVEN GOING TO EVEN REMEMBER THE DAMN THING EXISTS IN TWO DAYS!"

There was much discussion about what she would get but it was narrowed down to a plush baby seal or a plush polar bear.  While they discussed that, I stood there and wondered what would be a better club "The Bi-Polar Bear Club" or "The Baby Seal Club".  She chose a white tiger.

We left the zoo and went to have some supper at Swiss Chalet.  I felt like driving back to the zoo and getting one of those cattle prod thingies the zoo guy had.  My usually so angelic and perfect kids were all over the place.

Hostess: "For how many?"
Me: "Four kids and one aggrivated adult."
Hostess: Laughs
Me: "No, seriously.  Do you have seating for that?  Like a section where you pay the wait staff more and the customers can berate them and not have to leave a bigger tip for it?"
Hostess: blinks "Uh, no."
Me: "Too bad.  You could make a killing doing that."

Dinner lasted an hour and a half.  It was tasty, all right.  And it's nice to know that Swiss Chalet still gives those little finger bowl thingies with a slice of lemon in them at the end of the meal.  Even if the kids did want to drink the warm lemon water.  And even if I did let them.  But by the time we were done, it was 7:30 and we still had a two and a half hour drive left.  Shit.  Time to pop a wonder keep-me-awake drug.

We're driving in the stop and go traffic and I have the windows rolled down and we're listening to some music.  Loudly.  And I'm singing along.  Loudly.

Kid1: "Mom, you do know everyone can hear you right?"
Me: "Oh, you're right.  How rude of me.  I should ask them what they want to listen to." to the guy in the car next to me "Hey, the next song is The Distance by Cake.  Is that going to work for you."  he rolls up his window "Huh. Not a Cake fan I guess."
Kid1: "You know, mom, if we flew to Toronto, we wouldn't have to drive through it like this."
Me: "You're right Kid1! You stick one arm out your window and I'll stick one arm out mine.  When the car is going fast enough, we'll start flapping!"

Our brilliant idea didn't work so I had to drive the rest of the way home.

BONUS PICTURE!

"I can move my eyes independently from each other.  And I am killing you with my thoughts right now."