A day at the zoo. Also, pelicans are jerks.

Ahem.  Hi.  I have decided to completely abandon my old blog.  You see, I wasn't so good at updating it after a while.  And I wondered why that was.  And then I realized that it was probably because that it was just too philosophical for my own tastes.  Not that everything I wrote about was philosophical, or anything.  It's just, well, I'm a "if my choices are to laugh or to cry, I'm going to laugh so hard they'll be forced to commit me" type of person.  But the blog was cathartic and I miss it.  So I am starting this one.  And I am going to write about the day I spent at the zoo with my kids today.

I have narcolepsy.  It's fun, really.  It's kind of like being drunk, except take away all of the euphoria, reduced inhibitions and crazy, erratic behaviour parts.  What you're left with is nausea, imbalance, dizziness, and no muscle coordination.  See, FUN!  So I take drugs to help with this.  And these drugs keep me awake.  And I drove two hours at 7:30 at night today, taking the drugs at 7:00 so I would stay awake while driving.  And it's now 11:20 and they haven't worn off.  Also, I took decongestant, gravol and Ibuprofen.   I have so many drugs in my system right now Lindsay Lohan would be impressed.

My day at the zoo started at 7:30 when we left (it was a family vacation but Kevin wasn't invited so he stayed home.  Sucker (me, not him)).  As we were getting off the off ramp and onto the highway, Kid4 gets excited as we go under the overpass.

Kid4: "See Kid2!  That's the bridge WE WERE JUST ON!  HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THAT!"
Kid2: "Fuck yeah!  That rocks!"

Then I wanted to be a kid again and get excited about going under overpasses.  Then I wondered if I would have to relive everything past childhood or if I could stay a kid.  Then I started thinking of all of the things I would do differently if I could relive my life over again.  And then I saw a cloud in the shape of a penis and forgot what I was thinking about.

It took us two and a half hours to get there - but that was not my fault, it was rush hour when we hit Toronto.  I am directionally challenged and we don't have a GPS.  So I rely on my written instructions I copy from Google Maps whenever I go somewhere.  In my mind, Scarborough (where the zoo is located) is where Mississauga is (where the zoo is not located) so I start thinking it strange that we have to drive through Toronto to get to the zoo.  But, I got us there.

Me: "I did it kids!  We made it!  We didn't even get lost ONCE!"
Kids: "Yeah, can we get out of the car now?"
We get out of the car.
Me: "Aren't you guys even the slightest bit impressed?  We started in London and ended up AT THE  GODDAMN ZOO!"
Kids: "Just like millions have done before us. Big deal.  Can we go now?"
Me: "I'M THE KING OF THE FUCKING WOOOOOOORRRRLLLLD!"
Kids: "Mom, get off the fucking car and just pay for us to get into the zoo."

We get in the zoo.  We see some animals.  I don't have a watch.  I am starting to get hungry.  It must be lunch time!  But where to eat?  Hmmmm, there doesn't seem to be anywhere.  We'll just keep looking while we see all of these animals.  Oh, look.  Warthogs.  Look at those cute little things!  Just like hogs, but wartier! Can you cook those?  Would they taste like ham?  Is there not any damn place around here that even sells chips?  No.  Focus, Sara, focus.  Hey, Hippos!  Pygmy Hippos!  They're so cute!  And plump! And juicy! And would fit on a spit over a nice roaring fire!  With BBQ sauce!  (And somewhere in there I remember I told Kid1 to shut up.  I would have normally felt guilty about that but I was hungry and it got her to shut up so screw it.)

Me: "Kids, unless you want me to yell at you for the rest of this trip, we will be getting something to eat NOW.  I'm hungry and I'm cranky. We'll come back and look at the gorillas later.  Oh look!  They're eating!  Why can't I be eating?"
Kids: "But mom! We want to see the penguins first, you said we could see the penguins before lunch!"
Me: "That was when I wasn't hungry.  I'm hungry so we eat.  I'm mom.  I'm the dictator.  I'm the one holding the money.  WE EAT NOW!"
Kids: "But mom!  We just want to-"
Me: "Look, I talked to the zoo guy at the komodo dragon.  He said he lets moms throw in bratty kids who talk back.  Especially bratty kids who WON'T LET THEIR MOM EAT."
We ate and then went to see the penguins.

The penguins share an enclosure with the pelicans.  Look at the penguins:

Awwwww!  Who's a cute little bird who thinks it's a fish?  You are, that's who!

Now look at the pelicans.

Their looks even says "I'm an asshole".  They chased the penguins out of this tiny corner of the enclosure so they could... I don't even know.  It didn't look like prime real estate to me but I am neither a pelican or a penguin so what do I know.  The three that stayed there, stayed out of fear.  Fear of what the pelicans would do if they realized they were still there.  I mean, this is how they look WHEN THEY'RE SLEEPING!

 That penguin in the corner is wearing a look of terror!  Cute, adorable, terror!  But then along comes this guys:

Pelican: "What the fuck, penguin.  Didn't we JUST kick you out of here? Do you need another lesson?"
Penguin: "I don't give a shit.  I'm a penguin and everyone came here to see me be cute and do that swim/fly thing I do in the water.  Deal with it, motherfucker."

So we go and do more stuff at the zoo and we discover the Great Barrier Reef exhibit.  It was fab.  And then we got to the jelly fish.  Oh, the jelly fish.

Kids: "Mom, we want to go.  We haven't even seen the lions yet!"
Me: "No.  We can't. They're trying to tell me something."
Kids: "You've lost your fucking mind."
Me: "No, they are unveiling the secrets to the universe.  I can almost decipher what they're saying!"
I'm not sure what happened or how long I was standing there but what I remember clearly is coming to on the floor in front of the jelly fish tanks with a zoo employee holding what looked like a cattle prod.
Me: "I'm not sure what got into me there. Sorry about that."
Zoo Employee: "No worries, happens all the time."

After a long and fun filled day, I decided I love my kids enough to try to buy their affections and told them they could have a souvineer.  We don't usually go for those things.  Pictures are usually enough.  Looking back now... fucking jelly fish.

So Kid1 chooses a plush baby seal.  Kid2 chooses a plush penguin. Kid4 also chooses a plush penguin.  If your powers of observation are any good and you can count to four, you will notice that Kid3 is left undecided.  It was left up to Kid1, Kid2 and Kid4 to help her decide because I just started yelling "JUST PICK A FUCKING ANIMAL ALREADY! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE EVEN GOING TO EVEN REMEMBER THE DAMN THING EXISTS IN TWO DAYS!"

There was much discussion about what she would get but it was narrowed down to a plush baby seal or a plush polar bear.  While they discussed that, I stood there and wondered what would be a better club "The Bi-Polar Bear Club" or "The Baby Seal Club".  She chose a white tiger.

We left the zoo and went to have some supper at Swiss Chalet.  I felt like driving back to the zoo and getting one of those cattle prod thingies the zoo guy had.  My usually so angelic and perfect kids were all over the place.

Hostess: "For how many?"
Me: "Four kids and one aggrivated adult."
Hostess: Laughs
Me: "No, seriously.  Do you have seating for that?  Like a section where you pay the wait staff more and the customers can berate them and not have to leave a bigger tip for it?"
Hostess: blinks "Uh, no."
Me: "Too bad.  You could make a killing doing that."

Dinner lasted an hour and a half.  It was tasty, all right.  And it's nice to know that Swiss Chalet still gives those little finger bowl thingies with a slice of lemon in them at the end of the meal.  Even if the kids did want to drink the warm lemon water.  And even if I did let them.  But by the time we were done, it was 7:30 and we still had a two and a half hour drive left.  Shit.  Time to pop a wonder keep-me-awake drug.

We're driving in the stop and go traffic and I have the windows rolled down and we're listening to some music.  Loudly.  And I'm singing along.  Loudly.

Kid1: "Mom, you do know everyone can hear you right?"
Me: "Oh, you're right.  How rude of me.  I should ask them what they want to listen to." to the guy in the car next to me "Hey, the next song is The Distance by Cake.  Is that going to work for you."  he rolls up his window "Huh. Not a Cake fan I guess."
Kid1: "You know, mom, if we flew to Toronto, we wouldn't have to drive through it like this."
Me: "You're right Kid1! You stick one arm out your window and I'll stick one arm out mine.  When the car is going fast enough, we'll start flapping!"

Our brilliant idea didn't work so I had to drive the rest of the way home.

BONUS PICTURE!

"I can move my eyes independently from each other.  And I am killing you with my thoughts right now."