Fun times in the E.R.

I have mono.  I find that funny for some reason but it's not so funny when all I can do is sleep.  It actually started with me going to urgent care.  I called my friend, who I will call Wonder Woman 'cause she's awesome like that, to drive me there at 5:00 because the web site said they closed at 6:00.  Wonder Woman drops me off and tells me she'll come hang out with me later because urgent care is where it's at, baby!  Yeah, they closed at 4:00.  FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE FUCKING AFTERNOON.  Hello Urgent Care people!  Most doctors are still open at that time!

Anyway,  I call Wonder Woman and tell her to come get me except I don't have her cell number.  So I call her house and tell her husband that he needs to call her to tell her that urgent care closes at 4:00 and they're all a bunch of big fucking liars.  But he deosn't answer so I end up leaving a message.  And then I call my mom, who was watching my kids at the time, and tell her she needs to call Wonder Woman's cell and urgent care are a bunch of big fucking liars.

So Wonder Woman picks me up and we go to the E.R. at University Hospital and she drops me off telling me she'll be back after her supper because, fuck urgent care, E.R. is where it's at baby.  I love that place!  It's where Kevin and I spend many hours each year, alone, together, waiting for the newest results of his CT Scans or MRIs to tell us his brain isn't bleeding after another seizure.  It's our own date night.  (Nothing says romance like bed pans and IVs).

The triage nurse - "Why are you here?"
Me - "Because I love the atmosphere here.  The lights are dim and everything is so clean.  Also, I think I have a UTI and I can't stay awake for more than two hours. Plus I'm dizzy and I'm not even drunk.  Yet."

So I go to the waiting room and fall asleep which is kind of hard because it's freezing and the chairs are not really comfortable but I had become a champion sleeper, what with the narcolepsy, so I do doze off.  Then they call my name and they put me in bed C-13.  I got all nostalgic because bed C-13 was the bed Kevin was in when they kept him from 7:00pm until 2:30am and we made up our own game of eye spy.  It went like this "I spy with my little eye something that is big, flat, you're lying on it and it's your bed."  And since it was so late at night we thought it was fucking hilarious but looking back now... no it's still fucking hilarious.

So after a while the doctor comes to see me.  I tell him that I'm pretty sure that I have a UTI and I've been tired and dizzy and my head has been numb and I've been slightly fevered.  He did all these drunk tests even though I kept telling him that I hadn't had anything to drink.  So he's all "we'll give you something to feel better and test you for a UTI but I don't know what to make of your symptoms."  And then I asked him to test me for mono because I had been kissing a lot of random people and he said sure I'll test you but I don't think that's it.

So the nurse comes over and asks how much I had to eat and drink that day.  I told her since it all came back up I don't really know if it matters how much I had to eat and drink and she agreed with me.  Then they put an IV in me and I guess they did something wrong because I watched the nice clean sheet I was covered in turn a lovely shade of bright red.  The nurse was all apologetic since it also got on my clothes and I was pissed because I came wearing my wedding dress and now it's ruined.

I keep falling asleep and waking up and falling asleep and waking up and falling asleep and waking up, waiting for Wonder Woman to get back and keep me company. But then this announcement comes over the speakers "Attention all staff, tornado warning is in effect". So I figure that since she's Wonder Woman and not Insane Woman, I would be alone for the rest of my visit.

Then I get a new neighbour.

Neighbour - "I had an HIV test done yesterday."
Nurse - "Do you have multiple partners?"
Neighbour - "Well, I'm a gay man and I like to get around."

I decided right then and there that I had to meet this guy but he left before I did and I was sleeping when he left so I never got to meet him.

So all of my tests come back and HEY!  I do have a UTI and HEY!  I do have mono.  So I'm thinking I should get forget my current "job" of staying home with my kids and work in the E.R. because clearly I'm better than the doctor who didn't think I had mono.  So, in your fucking face doctor!

And then I can't go home until the tornado warning was lifted and I don't get home until 11:15pm and I spend the next week sleeping.  And probably the week after that.  And fuck it, probably the week after that because I don't think I'm ever getting better.  Shit.

BONUS HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE
When Kevin had his first seizure in 2007, it was the first time since he left the hospital as a baby that he was there as a patient.  So they take him to have a CT scan and they come back with the news that Hey dudes!  Guess what, Kevin's get some extra brain in there but we don't know what it is yet so we're sending you to University Hospital to have an MRI!  And all Kevin does is complain about how much his IV hurt.  Fucked up priorities or fucking great drugs?  You tell me.