I'm Back (and better than ever?)

I have to tell you, the Christmas season sucked the life right out of me this year.  I took a vacation from the computer.  It was more of a forced vacation.  I had so much shit to do and would never have gotten anything done had I even glanced online.  You know how it is, you go on to Facebook to see what everyone's up to and three hours later you're still on computer with 50 different tabs open looking up android porn.  But I digress.

Last weekend, we installed one of these bad boys on the side door and I fucking love it!

Now I feel like I'm entering some sort of top secret spy heaquarters whenever I come home.  Not only do I no longer have to worry about Kid1 forgetting her key and locking all four of them out of the house after school, but I get the added bonus feeling like I'm important enough to require extra security measures to keep me safe.

I can only imagine what a burglar would be thinking when he ('cause all burglars are guys, right?) sees the lock.

"Score! This house must have some pretty nice shit to need a lock like that!" Waits until we are all out to break the kitchen window.  "Damn, this people are practically living below the poverty line.  I mean, why the fuck do they need a cool lock like that?  They don't even have a flat panel TV!  Fuck this shit, I'm out of here."

(In case you didn't get the point of this post, I really think our new lock is nifty.)

BONUS RENOVATION STORY:

2012 is the year I finally get this house looking like I live here and not some little old lady.  I feel like I have been living in someone else's house for the last almost four years.  So far, I have painted the hallway (which I think is pretty fucking spectacular since it's not even the end of the first month).  At the end of the hall, I put a nice print of a picture similar to this one.

Kevin and I are drawn to pictures of paths. But, the end of the path can't be shown in the picture.  We were looking at the print and talking about why we like them so much and we came to the conclusion that our life is so shitty that we like looking down a path because there has to be something better at the end of it.  We're either the biggest pessimists in the world or just really insightful.  Or both.

The internet is such a weird place.

Laughter is coming from the living room, cheering from the computer.

Kevin: What are you watching.
Me: (laughing) Cup stacking.
Kevin: Like actual cup stacking or is that some kind of euphemism?
Me: No, actual cup stacking.

The internet is a really weird place.  And I fucking love it!



BONUS POMPLAMOOSE VIDEO

I've never played angry birds, but I love Pomplamoose!

Happy four day anniversary blog! And there's something else today too, I recall.

It's August 23rd.  Do you know what that means?  It means that I've been writing on this blog for FOUR WHOLE DAYS!  Oh, and I think it's my 14th wedding anniversary or something.

Aug. 23 1997 - Kevin and I get married and go to Ottawa for our honeymoon.  We were camping.  One night it rained really badly so we set out to find a hotel.  The only one that had any space in it was part of a seedy bar.  When they showed us the room, I started to wonder if maybe spending the night sleeping in the rain would have been a better choice.

Me: "Ummm, what the fuck is that thing?  It's like a spider web that hangs from one corner of the room to the next.  Are they breeding huge fucking spiders here?  Are we to be their next meal?"
Kevin: "You may be right.  We should take turns sleeping, just to be safe."

There's loud music from the bar directly above us.  I don't know what time it was, but the music stopped and then there was a barrage of loud, drunk and (I assume) scary looking people in the hall outside the door to our room.
Me: "Did you bring the shotgun?"
Kevin: "We don't have a shotgun."
Me: "What the hell were we thinking?  Who goes on a honeymoon without a fucking shotgun!"

I wonder how many people had fucked in the bed Kevin and I slept in.  And I wonder if they ever changed the sheets between visitors.  We slept on top of the covers in our sleeping bags, both curled up in the fetal position, with one eye open and fixed on the door.

Happy Anniversary Kev! We were so young, so... undead.

BONUS ANNIVERSARY PRESENT IDEA!
I saw this in an article at Cracked.com.  I don't want one.  Oh no no no no.  I want ONE FUCKING THOUSAND OF THEM!

That's a Draganflyer X6 Six Rotor UAV.  Here's what they say about it:

The Draganflyer X6 is a remotely operated, unmanned, miniature helicopter designed to carry wireless video cameras and still cameras.

Their application for it, while practical for some people I suppose, fucking sucks.  I mean, sure, I would love to fly this thing up to someone's bedroom window and start snapping away and post those pictures on the internet but I am thinking that I would get so much use out of this beyond taking pictures.

Let's say your kid forgot her lunch.  Just fly that bad boy over to the school and it's delivered without having to leave your living room!

Words cannot describe how much I hate shopping. (OK, maybe they can.  I fucking hate shopping.)  But, if I had one of these following me around carrying my bags and making people dive out of my path in fear, I would never leave the mall!  Of course, I would put a little Santa hat on it at Christmas time.

Salesman at the door?  Have a few hundred of these fly over the roof and just sit there at the edge of the roof looking at the guy when you answer the door.
Salesman: "Hi!  I'm here on behalf of some scam trying to get you to switch your natural gas provider. Do you have a copy of your most recent bill - HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT ARE THOSE?"
Me: "What? Oh those? Those are just a little science project I've been working on.  Don't worry, they haven't killed anyone."
Salesman: "Um, OK.  Like I was saying, do you have a copy of your most recent statement for your natural gas that I could see?"
Me: "Sure, just give me a minute."
Salesman: "Um, they just moved."
Me: "I'm sorry, what?"
Salesmen: "Your, uh, science project.  They just moved forward a bit."
Me: "Oh shit. Yeah, sorry about that.  They've been acting a little strange these past few days."
Salesman: "So, they're not supposed to move on their own like that?"
Me: "Well, no but since I started tinkering with their central core processors, I think they may have become self aware.  You know, this could explain why I haven't heard the dogs next door barking in a few days.... Now, what was it that you wanted.  Oh right!  My gas bill."
Salesman: "No, it's OK.  I can, um, see that you're terribly busy right now.  Yeah, that's it, you're busy.  I'll come back another time."
Me: "Are you sure?  I'm sure I can find the bill if you just give me another minute or two."
Salesman (from the end of the driveway): "No, that's fine!  I wouldn't want to take away from your obviously busy schedule!"

And of course a few hundred of these following me around would be a step forward in my world domination plan. Like Megamind's minions.  Only I would equip mine with flamethrowers.  And I would need a cape, an awesome haircut (I'm thinking purple) and some thigh high leather boots.  When I walk into the next PTA meeting with even just 50 of these following me and demand to be supreme dictator of the PTA, who will be man enough to stand against me?  Fucking NO ONE!