Me: Kid4, we need to go downtown today. We'll be bussing it.
Kid4: Fuck yeah! I fucking love the bus! And dowtown? With those coloured trees? I fucking love those! Today is going to kick ass!
Me: Oh shit! We're out of bus tickets for me. We have to go to Shoppers and get some before we go.
Kid4: All right mom! Let's do this thing!
So we walk to Shoppers and pick up some tickets for me.
Cashier to Kid4: I love your glasses!
Kid4: Damn straight you do. My mom shelled out $200 for these bad boys.
Cashier: I especially love the inside of them.
Kid4: Yeah, they're the shit. Not only are they yellow, but they are florescent yellow on the inside.
We get on the bus and all is cool. We can't sit together because it's pretty busy. Kid4 is in complete bliss and am I a bit envious because I wish that riding the bus wasn't such a chore and I wanted to be five all over again but then I remembered what the teenage years were like and I don't want to live through that all over again. A couple gets on the bus and gets off a couple of stops before us.
Kid4: Hey mom, see those two. They're in love.
Me: How do you know.
Kid4: She kept hugging him. You know, like when you and dad punch each other? Like that. Only not as bruising.
BONUS OLD PERVY WOMAN
So I'm watching The Fresh Beat Band with kid4 and I'm wondering if it's bad if I'm busy thinking about what the guys would look like naked and if they're any good in bed. I'm a dirty old woman and there is a special place in hell for me, I think. Please tell me I'm normal. Or at least tell me I'll have company in hell.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
The internet is such a weird place.
Laughter is coming from the living room, cheering from the computer.
Kevin: What are you watching.
Me: (laughing) Cup stacking.
Kevin: Like actual cup stacking or is that some kind of euphemism?
Me: No, actual cup stacking.
The internet is a really weird place. And I fucking love it!
BONUS POMPLAMOOSE VIDEO
I've never played angry birds, but I love Pomplamoose!
Kevin: What are you watching.
Me: (laughing) Cup stacking.
Kevin: Like actual cup stacking or is that some kind of euphemism?
Me: No, actual cup stacking.
The internet is a really weird place. And I fucking love it!
BONUS POMPLAMOOSE VIDEO
I've never played angry birds, but I love Pomplamoose!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Beat those big bad bugs with the bug spray.
Yesterday I found one single bedbug hiding in a towel in the bathroom. The scenerio went something like this:
Me getting out of the shower and grabbing the towel I had set on the counter to use. Bedbug climbs out of the towel. I throw the towel across the room and yell "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!"
I mean, we paid an exterminator over $1,000 to get rid of the fuckers in early July and one lives. Oh, it doesn't live anymore. That motherfucker is dead. But still, if there's one... (I threw the towel it was hiding in in the garbage). To top things off, we have a bee hive in our soffit near the kitchen window. We were just going to let it stay there (I discovered it during my two week mono house arrest) but Kevin left the kitchen light on overnight and the bees, somehow, got into the house. In the kitchen. Where I refused to set foot while a swarm of bees lay waiting for me. So I call Kevin and tell him about the bedbug.
Kevin: Are you sure it's a bedbug.
Me: I know more about bedbugs than I ever wanted to. It's a bedbug.
Kevin: Well great. Did you call the exterminator?
Me: No, I'm going to call him as soon as I get off the phone with you. But, you need to come home. I need you to kill the bees. I think they're planning something. Something evil. Something sinister. They saw the honey in the cupboard and they know.
Kevin: Yeah, I'll be there when I can.
I call the exterminator and tell him he's a fucking useless piece of shit and there's a bedbug alive in my house. OK, no I didn't call him that because no exterminator will guarantee anything when it comes to bedbug. I guess that makes them all useless pieces of shit but I hope they don't read this because I need one of them to come back and take care of the bee hive and possibly spray the house again.
So Kevin gets home and there is carnage everywhere. Not a bee in the house is safe. THERE WAS A FIREFIGHT! I am happy to report that there are now no bees in this house.
But there's still the possibility that there's bedbugs and that just pisses me off. So I did what any good parent would do. I took it out on the kids. They came home from school.
Me: That basement is a fucking pig sty. I want it clean. You don't know how many bedbugs could be hiding in there. No computer time until that place is clean.
Kids:Sure mom! Anything for you! What the fuck mom! You fucking bitch! You make us do all the work in the house and you just sit on your ass and eat bonbons all day.
Me: I am hanging on a thread of my sanity. Clean the fucking basement or I will go ape shit on you.
So the basement is on the way to being clean, my house may have bedbugs again and when life gives you lemons, make margaritas because then you'll at least be able to get drunk.
BONUS PICTURE
Freedom awaits them out there. But if I let them go, who would clean the bathroom?
Me getting out of the shower and grabbing the towel I had set on the counter to use. Bedbug climbs out of the towel. I throw the towel across the room and yell "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!"
I mean, we paid an exterminator over $1,000 to get rid of the fuckers in early July and one lives. Oh, it doesn't live anymore. That motherfucker is dead. But still, if there's one... (I threw the towel it was hiding in in the garbage). To top things off, we have a bee hive in our soffit near the kitchen window. We were just going to let it stay there (I discovered it during my two week mono house arrest) but Kevin left the kitchen light on overnight and the bees, somehow, got into the house. In the kitchen. Where I refused to set foot while a swarm of bees lay waiting for me. So I call Kevin and tell him about the bedbug.
Kevin: Are you sure it's a bedbug.
Me: I know more about bedbugs than I ever wanted to. It's a bedbug.
Kevin: Well great. Did you call the exterminator?
Me: No, I'm going to call him as soon as I get off the phone with you. But, you need to come home. I need you to kill the bees. I think they're planning something. Something evil. Something sinister. They saw the honey in the cupboard and they know.
Kevin: Yeah, I'll be there when I can.
I call the exterminator and tell him he's a fucking useless piece of shit and there's a bedbug alive in my house. OK, no I didn't call him that because no exterminator will guarantee anything when it comes to bedbug. I guess that makes them all useless pieces of shit but I hope they don't read this because I need one of them to come back and take care of the bee hive and possibly spray the house again.
So Kevin gets home and there is carnage everywhere. Not a bee in the house is safe. THERE WAS A FIREFIGHT! I am happy to report that there are now no bees in this house.
But there's still the possibility that there's bedbugs and that just pisses me off. So I did what any good parent would do. I took it out on the kids. They came home from school.
Me: That basement is a fucking pig sty. I want it clean. You don't know how many bedbugs could be hiding in there. No computer time until that place is clean.
Kids:
Me: I am hanging on a thread of my sanity. Clean the fucking basement or I will go ape shit on you.
So the basement is on the way to being clean, my house may have bedbugs again and when life gives you lemons, make margaritas because then you'll at least be able to get drunk.
BONUS PICTURE
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
If being a stay at home mom is the best job in the world, why are you so happy when school starts again?
If it weren't for the fact that my kids would be eternally stupid because I can't teach, I would homeschool them so I wouldn't have to get up in the morning. School really cramps our style. But they're back to it. Well, Kid1, Kid2 and Kid3 are. Kid4 doesn't start for another couple of weeks because.... I don't know really. I guess the kindergarten teachers need more time to prepare or something? I know I would if I had a class full of 4 to 6 year old kids. Hell, I would need more time to prepare and an advance in my salary to cover to cost of the valium I would need.
BONUS WEATHER UPDATE
Mother nature sure is nice to my kids. The day before school started the weather turned cold so they wouldn't have to sit in a class while it was all nice and sunny and reminding them of how just a week ago they were outside playing (or inside driving me nuts). If I were mother nature, I would have made it the nicest day of the whole summer they first day of school. That way, those of us who don't work could sit outside and sip a martini and gloat when our kids came home from school. As it is, I played video games all day and gloated about that.
BONUS WEATHER UPDATE
Mother nature sure is nice to my kids. The day before school started the weather turned cold so they wouldn't have to sit in a class while it was all nice and sunny and reminding them of how just a week ago they were outside playing (or inside driving me nuts). If I were mother nature, I would have made it the nicest day of the whole summer they first day of school. That way, those of us who don't work could sit outside and sip a martini and gloat when our kids came home from school. As it is, I played video games all day and gloated about that.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Two weeks of house arrest can do strange things to a person.
I hadn't left the house in two weeks before today. Two weeks of looking at the mess that needs to be cleaned and yet not being able to clean it because I'm too mono-y to do anything other than sleep.
Today, I went to Zeller's (think Target only for Canadians) and bought a pair of new shoes for Kid3 and Kid4 (I mean I bought them each a pair of shoes. I don't make my kids share shoes. I mean, I tried, but the school got annoyed that they had to hop everywhere. Motherfuckers.), medicine for Kid2 (she has some fucked up kidneys) and nothing for Kid1 (because I don't love her as much as the others). I also bought a vacuum because it was on sale and mine doesn't suck. Well, it DOES suck, but not in the way that you want a vacuum to suck. What I'm trying to say is that it's a 15 year old piece of shit.
The thing I miss doing the most since having this mono thing is going on my 20-30K hikes with Wonder Woman (who you met in a previous post). We like to do them once a week in the summer but only managed to get two in this summer due to mono and bedbug issues.
We usually aim to get there at 8:00 in the morning. On a weekend. In the summer. Because we're both fucking crazy but it's five hours of kid free time so we do it. And I miss it. Because two weeks of staying in the house fucks with your mind.
Also, during my house arrest, I discovered that I have a bee hive in the soffit on my back porch. (And my spell checker is telling me that soffit isn't a word but fuck you spell checker! Even wikipedia tells me it's a word. Spell checker is such an asshole.) Here's my plan and tell me what you think. Since I didn't get what I wanted for my anniversary, I should instead convince the bees that I am their overlord. They're highly intelligent insects, I am lead to believe but I think I can do it. It will involve me covering myself in honey until they assume I am just part of the hive and then when I am part of the hive I will be part of the hive mind and when I am part of the hive mind, my more developed brain will be able to control the hive mind. So, who will be able to stand in my way when I order a swarm of bees to attack? Fucking no one, that's who! She who controls the honey, controls the fucking world!
BONUS MONO UPDATE
I'm down to one nap in the afternoon now. So basically, I am on par with a six month old.
Today, I went to Zeller's (think Target only for Canadians) and bought a pair of new shoes for Kid3 and Kid4 (I mean I bought them each a pair of shoes. I don't make my kids share shoes. I mean, I tried, but the school got annoyed that they had to hop everywhere. Motherfuckers.), medicine for Kid2 (she has some fucked up kidneys) and nothing for Kid1 (because I don't love her as much as the others). I also bought a vacuum because it was on sale and mine doesn't suck. Well, it DOES suck, but not in the way that you want a vacuum to suck. What I'm trying to say is that it's a 15 year old piece of shit.
The thing I miss doing the most since having this mono thing is going on my 20-30K hikes with Wonder Woman (who you met in a previous post). We like to do them once a week in the summer but only managed to get two in this summer due to mono and bedbug issues.
We usually aim to get there at 8:00 in the morning. On a weekend. In the summer. Because we're both fucking crazy but it's five hours of kid free time so we do it. And I miss it. Because two weeks of staying in the house fucks with your mind.
Also, during my house arrest, I discovered that I have a bee hive in the soffit on my back porch. (And my spell checker is telling me that soffit isn't a word but fuck you spell checker! Even wikipedia tells me it's a word. Spell checker is such an asshole.) Here's my plan and tell me what you think. Since I didn't get what I wanted for my anniversary, I should instead convince the bees that I am their overlord. They're highly intelligent insects, I am lead to believe but I think I can do it. It will involve me covering myself in honey until they assume I am just part of the hive and then when I am part of the hive I will be part of the hive mind and when I am part of the hive mind, my more developed brain will be able to control the hive mind. So, who will be able to stand in my way when I order a swarm of bees to attack? Fucking no one, that's who! She who controls the honey, controls the fucking world!
BONUS MONO UPDATE
I'm down to one nap in the afternoon now. So basically, I am on par with a six month old.
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