I am the best mom. Ever.

For Easter each year I get my kids a book each. This year, it was cookbooks. Kid4 got The Unofficial Harry Potter Cookbook, Kid3 got The Unofficial Hunger Games Cookbook, Kid2 got Last Dinner On the Titanic and Kid1 would have got The Manga Cookbook if it came on time. Which it didn't. We're still waiting. But I also have The Fantasy Cookbook that I bought a few years ago. Because I am a geek.

Yesterday, I cooked a recipe that each of them chose from each book. It took me all day. I will repeat that. It took me all. Fucking. Day. Plus there was a trip to the grocery store. And it wasn't even a special occasion. A four course meal for no special reason? Pin that Mom of the Year medal on me bitches because I totally won this year.

But! Not only am I the best mom in the world, I am also the best friend in the world. When I posted about my awesome cookbooks on Facebook, my friend Johnna asked to share some recipes. So, because I am awesome and so is Johnna, I will post my menu from last night. Rest assured that I tested all of these recipes and they got the In Sickness and In Health stamp of approval.

Course one - Elf Fruit Dip from The Fantasy Cookbook

1 cup sour cream
2 tsp. vanilla brandy
3 to 4 tbsp. honey

Mix all ingredients.

I didn't have vanilla brandy and the grocery store didn't carry it. Since I don't love my kids enough to make a special stop, I used vanilla extract instead and it was fine. I served a dollop on top of a fruit salad as course one.

Course two - Prim's Sweet Goat Cheese Salad from The Hunger Games Coookbook

3 cups romaine lettuce
1/2 cup fresh blueberries
1/2 cup fresh respberries
1/4 cup dried cranberries
1/2 cup sunflower seeds
1/4 cup chopped pecans
1/2 cup crumbled goat cheese
1/4 cup while balsamic vinegar
1/4 cup maple syrup
1/4 cup olive oil
Sea salt to taste.

Toss the lettuce, berries, nuts, seeds and cheese in a large bowl. Pour the vinegar, syrup and oil over salad and toss until coated.

But that's not what I did. I tossed the salad and then combined the vinegar, syrup and oil in a Tupperware container. I shook the dressing and poured it over each serving. Also, I didn't have white balsamic vinegar so I used just regular balsamic vinegar and it was just divine. I mean really, I will make this salad again and again and again only I won't include the fresh fruit because I am weird and I don't like fruit. Also, make sure you use real maple syrup. I don't know what that table syrup shit would taste like in this recipe. Probably gross because table syrup? Ew.

Course three - Chicken Lyonnaise and Chateau Potatoes from Last Dinner on the Titanic and Carrots Unicorn from The Fantasy Cookbook

Chicken Lyonnaise

1/3 cup all purpose flour
2 tbsp chopped fresh thyme (or 1 tbsp dried)
1/2 tsp each salt and pepper
6 boneless chicken breasts
1 egg, beaten (poor egg, what did it ever do to you!)
3 tbsp vegetable oil
2 onions, thinly sliced
1 clove garlic, minced
1/3 cup white wine
1 cup chicken stock
2 tsp tomato paste
Pinch granulated sugar

In a sturdy plastic bag, shake together flour, 1 tbsp of the thyme or 1 1/2 tsp if using dried, sal and pepper. One at a time, dip the chicken breasts into egg and then shake in flour mixture.

In large deep skillet, heat 2 tbsp of the oil over medium-high heat. Place chiken in pan, skin side down. Cook, turning once, for 10 minutes or until golden brown. Remove from skillet and place in 225F oven.

Reduce heat to medium; add remaining oil to skillet. Stir in onions, garlic and remaining thyme: cook, stirring often, for 5 minutes or until onions are translucent. Increase heat to medium-high and continue to cook onions, stirring often, for 5 minutes or until golden brown.

Add wine to pan; cook, stirring to scrape up any brown bits, for about 1 minute or until reduced by half. Stir in stock, tomato paste and sugar. Boil for 2 minutes or until beginning to thicken. Return chicken to pan, turning to coat, and cook for 5 minutes or until juices run clear.

So - I pretty much followed the recipe except I didn't have any wine and I still don't love my kids enough to make a special stop so I substituted white grape juice. I also didn't have any skin on chicken breasts (which, I think the author was fucking with me because can you even get boneless chicken breasts with the skin on?) so I used boneless skinless. Next time, and there will be a next time because this was both really good and easy to make, I will use just regular chicken breasts with the bone and skin.

Chateau Potatoes

6 Medium potatoes
2 tbsp unsalted butter
1 tbsp vegetable oil
1 tbsp finely chopped fresh rosemary leaves
1/2 tsp each salt and pepper

Peel potatoes; using a turning knife, cut into eight-sided shapes (alternatively, cut into thick, even shaped wedges). Meanwhile, place butter, oil and rosemary in large, rimmed baking sheet. Set pan in 425F oven for 2 to 3 minutes or until butter is sizzling.

Pat potatoes dry; place in heated pan and stir to coat with butter mixture Bake in 425F oven, stirring occasionally; for 35 too 40 minutes or until potatoes are golden brown. Season with salt and pepper.

I sill don't love my kids enough to cut the potatoes into eight-sided shapes, which are supposed to look like this but if I did it they would probably end up like this, so I just bought some small red potatoes and cut them in half. Also, I didn't have fresh rosemary (other than, you know, Kid4 who can be kind of fresh sometimes) so I used 1/2 tbsp crushed dried rosemary. Also, I only had salted butter and it was just fine. These were easy and really, really good.

Carrots Unicorn

1 1/2 tbsp butter or oil
2 1/3 cups sliced carrots
1/4 tsp mace or 1/2 tsp nutmet
1/4 tsp allspice
1/4 tsp vegesal or salt
4 tbsp raisins
1/3 cup pineapple chunks
1/2 cup unpeeled, chopped apple
1/8 cup tooasted cashews

In a pan, saute carrots in butter or oil for 3 to 4 minutes. Add the spices. Cover and cook over low heat until carrots are crunchy yet tender. When they are ready, add the fruit and nuts and just heat through.

I have made this many times because it's so easy and really good. But, I cook the carrots until they are browned slightly because I do and fuck you if you think that's wrong. Also, I add both mace and nutmeg (but only 1/4 tsp because too much nutmeg is not a good thing) and don't use allspice. This time, I added some dried cranberries since I had them anyway for the salad. And I forgot the cashews which was a bit of a mixed blessing. On the one hand, they really add to the dish and it wasn't right without them. On the other hand, I didn't have to share my cashews with anyone and they are now sitting on the kitchen counter waiting for me (and only me) to eat. In fact, I think I'll have a handful right now.


Dessert - Custard Sponge Sandwich (from Hagrid) from the Harry Potter Cookbook

Sponge Cake
1 1/2 cups all-purpose four
1 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1 1/2 sticks butter, at room temperature
3 large eggs, at room temperature
Confectioners' sugar, for dusting

Custard Filling
1 cup while milk plus 1/2 cup heavy cream or 1 1/2 cups whole milk
1/4 cup granulated sugar, divided
3 tbsp cornstarch
Pinch salt
3 large egg yolks
1/2 tsp pule vanilla extract
1 tbsp butter (in not using heavy cream)
Whipped Cream for serving.

Preheat the oven to 350F. Crease two 8-inch cake pans and line the bottoms with parchment paper. Whisk together the flour, baking powder and salt in a mixing bowl and set aside.

Using an electric mixer, beat the utter and sugar in a large bowl until light and fluffy, scraping down the side of the bowl as needed, about 5 minutes. Add the eggs one at a time, beating after each until incorporated and scraping down the sides as needed. Add the flour mixture and mic on the slowest speed until combined. Finish by scraping down and folding the bater together with a rubber spatula.

Divide the batter even between the two pans and bake for about 20 minutes until the cakes are golden brown around the edges 0 the tops of the cakes will be pale - and the cakes feel soft but set when touched lightly in the centre of a toothpick inserted in the centre comes out clean. Let the cakes cool in the pans for 10 minutes, then invert onto a wire rack and cool completely.

To make the custard, combine the milk or milk and heavy cream, t tbsp of the sugar, cornstarch and salt in a small saucepan and mix until the cornstarch is dissolved. Whisk the yolks with the remaining 2 tbsp in a medium bowl until smooth.

Heat the milk mixture over medium-high heat, stirring constantly, until it is hot but not bubbling. Reduce the heat to low. Pour 1/2 cup of the hot mixture in a slow stream into the egg yolk mixture while whisking quickly to temper the egg yolks. Pour the egg yolk mixture slowly back into the saucepan while stirring constantly. Return the pan to medium-high heat, stirring constantly, until the mixture thickens and begins to boil. (Once the mixture begins to thicken, it must be handled gently so the cornstarch won't lost its thickening power.)

Remove the pan from the heat and add the vanilla. Add butter if you did not use heavy cream. Stir gently until the butter is melted and combined. Strain the custard through a sieve into a bowl to ensure a smooth custard. (Use a rubber spatula to push the custard through the sieve.) Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until cold.

To assemble the cake, place on cake layer top-side down on a cardboard round. Spread the custard over the cake until withing 1/2 inch of the border. Top with the other cake layer, top-side up. Dust the top of the cake generously with the confectioners' sugar. Keep refrigerated, but bring to room temperature before serving. Serve with whipped cream and have it with tea.

So, I didn't take my eggs out of the fridge before using them so they weren't at room temperature. And I thought I had cornstarch but I didn't and, if you're following the theme you'll have figured it out by now, I don't love my kids enough to make a special trip just for cornstarch so I used flour. And we didn't drink tea with it but it was still really good.


So that was our special dinner. I'm trying to decide if I love my kids enough to do it again.


BONUS NEXT COOKBOOK I'M BUYING

Why I am the best mom in the world (also, my kid is really smart).

Kid1's birthday was in November.  She loves Final Fantasy.  A new Final Fantasy game came out Jan. 31st.  In November, I told her I was going to get it for her for her birthday.  On January 31st, I showed up at the mall at 9:30.  The stores didn't open until 10:00.  I wanted to be there to make sure that I got a copy.  So I took kid4 to the mall (which is my own personal hell... I hate the mall) a half hour before it opened and waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.

Me: "Ugh! I'm tired of this."
Kid4: "No kidding right? Let's blow this pop stand and go do something crazy!"
Me: "I can't. I have to get the game for kid1."
Kid4: "You love her more than me, don't you."
Me: "Yes."

So we get tired of waiting and ten minutes before the store opens we go for a walk. It takes us five minutes to walk around and get back to the store.

Me: "Blah. That only took us five minutes."
Kid4(who just turned six): "That means we still have to wait for five minutes."
Me: "How did you figure that out?"
Kid4 (with a look that says I'm the dumbest woman to ever walk the planet): "5 plus 5 is 10."
Me: "So if it took us 7 minutes, how long would we have to wait?"
Kid4: "What, are you some kind of fucking moron? Three."

Then the store opens and there are four of us waiting to go in.  But, because kid4 is small, she gets in line first.  Awesome!

Me: "How much is it?"
Store Employee: "A lot."
Me: "Look, I was here a half hour before the mall opened to get a game that I'm not going to play. Don't fuck with me and just tell me."
Store Employee: "Sixty dollars."

Kid1 was then the proud owned of Final Fantasy XIII-2.  And I am the best. mom. ever.


BONUS MY KIDS ARE ALL GEEKS
Kid2 discovered Harry Potter this Christmas.  Since then, the kids have talked about nothing that isn't Harry Potter related.  Yesterday they were playing a hybrid Star Wars/Harry Potter/Final Fantasy XIII game. I've never been more proud!

I'm Back (and better than ever?)

I have to tell you, the Christmas season sucked the life right out of me this year.  I took a vacation from the computer.  It was more of a forced vacation.  I had so much shit to do and would never have gotten anything done had I even glanced online.  You know how it is, you go on to Facebook to see what everyone's up to and three hours later you're still on computer with 50 different tabs open looking up android porn.  But I digress.

Last weekend, we installed one of these bad boys on the side door and I fucking love it!

Now I feel like I'm entering some sort of top secret spy heaquarters whenever I come home.  Not only do I no longer have to worry about Kid1 forgetting her key and locking all four of them out of the house after school, but I get the added bonus feeling like I'm important enough to require extra security measures to keep me safe.

I can only imagine what a burglar would be thinking when he ('cause all burglars are guys, right?) sees the lock.

"Score! This house must have some pretty nice shit to need a lock like that!" Waits until we are all out to break the kitchen window.  "Damn, this people are practically living below the poverty line.  I mean, why the fuck do they need a cool lock like that?  They don't even have a flat panel TV!  Fuck this shit, I'm out of here."

(In case you didn't get the point of this post, I really think our new lock is nifty.)

BONUS RENOVATION STORY:

2012 is the year I finally get this house looking like I live here and not some little old lady.  I feel like I have been living in someone else's house for the last almost four years.  So far, I have painted the hallway (which I think is pretty fucking spectacular since it's not even the end of the first month).  At the end of the hall, I put a nice print of a picture similar to this one.

Kevin and I are drawn to pictures of paths. But, the end of the path can't be shown in the picture.  We were looking at the print and talking about why we like them so much and we came to the conclusion that our life is so shitty that we like looking down a path because there has to be something better at the end of it.  We're either the biggest pessimists in the world or just really insightful.  Or both.

I don't recall forcing you to read this

I got an interesting message on Facebook about this blog.  Apparently, someone thinks that what I write is inappropriate.  To them I say (and did say), suck it up princess.  It did lead me to thinking that some people may just not "get" me.  So here is a FAQ about me, my blog and my life. (And the frequently part of the FAQ means the entire one person who asked if me and the kids are really like this in real life while telling me that my blog should be more kid friendly since her kids have access to it.  Sadly, we are no longer Facebook friends.)

Who the hell are you anyway?
I am Sara.  My oldest daughter's friends call me your Majesty. (No lie.  Once her friends asked me if my name was Sara and I said it is and then told them "but you can call me your Majesty".  And they did.)  My life has had more downs than ups and so I have made this blog to make fun of my everyday life as well as the tragedies.  I have narcolepsy as well as a mental illness I inherited from my father.  Maybe that's why I have a different sense of humour.  I always danced to the beat of my own drum as a kid and I don't see why that should be different as an adult.

Who the hell would marry you anyway?
That would be Kevin.  We were married August 23rd, 1997 and still remain married today.  In 2007, Kevin was rushed to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning after suffering a seizure.  Actually, he suffered two that day but I was working nights during the first one.  At the hospital, they discovered a growth in his brain called an AVM.  He is a special case because of the location, size and symptoms that accompanied his AVM.  When you are sick, you don't want to be a special case.  Kevin and I have a great relationship and say that we're lucky we found each other because no one else would want us.


Who the hell are Kid1, Kid2, Kid3 and Kid4
Kid1 is Lilly.  She was born in November 1999 (do the math to figure out her age, you lazy bastards!)
Kid2 is Madeleine. She was born December 2001.
Kid3 is Victoria. She was born May 2004.
Kid4 is Rosemary. She was born January 2006.

Do you really call them Kid1, Kid2, Kid3 and Kid4?
Yes, yes we do.  We originally called them Kid One of Four, Kid Two of Four, Kid Three of Four and Kid Four of Four ('cause we're geeks like that) but it just evolved to Kid1, Kid2, Kid3 and Kid4.  It goes like this. Me: "Kevin, you take Kid2 and Kid3 to their doctor's appointment and I'll take Kid1 and Kid4 grocery shopping."  Or for when those times when you just can't get the name right.  "Lil-er_Madel-er-Rose. UGH! Kid3, come here!"

Do you really swear that much?
No.

Seriously?
Seriously.

I don't believe you.
Well, fuck you then.  I don't swear that much, but I am a huge fan of hyperbole and sarcasm (I use hyperbole, like, eight thousand times a day) and think the written word can be entertaining when those two are used in combination with the unexpected (like a five year old dropping the f-bomb).  But, be warned that when you come over to hang out and we play video games, I swear like a mother-fucking trucker then.

Do your kids really swear like that?
No they don't.  I don't swear around my kids (even when playing video games, my swear word then is "frig-a-ma-jig!") and so they never picked up the habit from me.   I think they need to understand context first and so I keep it clean around them.

What colour is your hair?
I'm a natural red head.

So there you go.  Me and this blog in a nutshell because one person thought that they shouldn't police their kid's activity on the internet but that the internet should bend to her whims.  I think I'll post some hallowe'en hi-jinks tomorrow.  I did promise some people a picture.

A friend of mine used to call it "boweling".

I watched Wonder Woman's kids last night for her and as a thank you she took me and my kids bowling with her kids.  I would have preferred a night of doing body shots with Ewan McGregor, but I'll take what I'm given. So my phone is all buggered up and she couldn't call so she shows up at about 4:30 and is all like "Let's go bitch! I have the kids in the car!"
And I'm all like "Simmer down there sweetheart.  I didn't even know we were going right 'till this very second."
And she's all like "Enough with your lame excuses. Get your ass in gear and I'll meet you there."

So I ask my kids if they want to go bowling.
Kid4: "Bowling! Fuck ya!"
Kid3: "Damn straight. We're going to beat your ass so hard you won't know what hit you."
Kid2: "Bring it on bitch!"
Kid1 "Yeah, I guess I'll go."

So we all pile in the car and I drive us there and I don't get lost even though I didn't know where it was or that a bowling alley even existed in that area.  We go to get our shoes.
Me: "What size of shoe are you kid1?"
Kid1: "How the fuck should I know?  You're the one who buys them."
Me: "Just take a guess, you fucking ray of sunshine."
Kid2: "These shoes are too big."
Me: "Go exchange them then."
Kid2: "Oh I am, I just wanted to let you know that you fucked up."
Me: "I love you too."

Shoe drama ends and we go to the lane where Wonder Woman is getting us set up.  Today is her 40th birthday (and here I still being all 35 and stuff, suck it Wonder Woman) and she is spending it bowling with both of our kids. She asks what name I want.

Me: "Queen of Awesome would be fine."
Wonder Woman: "No.  How about slut?"
Me: "Sexy?"
Wonder Woman: "How about 'Person who would have sex with anyone for a box of doughnuts'"
Me: "How is that different from slut?"
Wonder Woman: "I think it's more along the lines of 'Whore'"
Me: "You could put 'Slut with good business sense'?"
Wonder Woman: "I'll just put 'Hottie'. You're going to be next to me, you should at least delude yourself into thinking you can hold a match."
Me: "Yeah well, I'm not the one who's forty today."
Wonder Woman's Kid1: "Would you two shut the fuck up and just put something down so we can bowl and I can get back to my video games?"

So we bowl.  I suck at bowling but I don't care.  My strategy it to throw the ball hard and not care where it goes.  That doesn't usually work out so well for me but they had those bumper thingies up for the little ones so I hit at least one pin each time.  We're doing fine, I'm doing fine and then frame eight comes around.  Ah, frame eight how I love you.  STRIKE!  Yeah, and the ball didn't even bounce off the gutter guard thingies so it was a real strike!  And then frame nine and FUCK YEAH STRIKE NUMBER TWO!  Another real strike! And then it all goes to shit in frame ten and I think I hit maybe three pins.  And then it's time to go home.

Me: "OK kids, pack it in. We have to get home before daddy because he doesn't have key and will be locked out."
Kid4: "Fuck that! I didn't get strike! I'm not leaving until I get a fucking strike!"

So we left her there.  I called the bowling alley a few minutes ago and she's still trying for her strike.  I told them to call me when it happens and I'll come and pick her up.



BONUS HALLOWE'EN STUFF
I'm not a huge Hallowe'en fan.  I love the chocolate and stuff and it's a free for all in this house with it so I get my share, but it's just so much work. Of course, that's my own fucking fault as I like to make the kids costumes. This year, the kids all decided to be villains from Batman.  My brother heard about this and told me he and his daughter were going out as Batman and Robin and so we decided to go together.  My brother is a huge hallowee'en fan and so he decided that I couldn't go out as just myself so he put together a Penguin costume for me.  I've been waddling and cackling since he told me.  I'll look dapper in my top hat, I think!

Public transportation and your five year old

Me: Kid4, we need to go downtown today.  We'll be bussing it.
Kid4: Fuck yeah! I fucking love the bus! And dowtown?  With those coloured trees?  I fucking love those!  Today is going to kick ass!
Me: Oh shit! We're out of bus tickets for me.  We have to go to Shoppers and get some before we go.
Kid4: All right mom! Let's do this thing!

So we walk to Shoppers and pick up some tickets for me.

Cashier to Kid4: I love your glasses!
Kid4: Damn straight you do.  My mom shelled out $200 for these bad boys.
Cashier: I especially love the inside of them.
Kid4: Yeah, they're the shit.  Not only are they yellow, but they are florescent yellow on the inside.

We get on the bus and all is cool. We can't sit together because it's pretty busy.  Kid4 is in complete bliss and am I a bit envious because I wish that riding the bus wasn't such a chore and I wanted to be five all over again but then I remembered what the teenage years were like and I don't want to live through that all over again.  A couple gets on the bus and gets off a couple of stops before us.

Kid4: Hey mom, see those two.  They're in love.
Me: How do you know.
Kid4: She kept hugging him.  You know, like when you and dad punch each other?  Like that.  Only not as bruising.

BONUS OLD PERVY WOMAN
So I'm watching The Fresh Beat Band with kid4 and I'm wondering if it's bad if I'm busy thinking about what the guys would look like naked and if they're any good in bed.  I'm a dirty old woman and there is a special place in hell for me, I think.  Please tell me I'm normal. Or at least tell me I'll have company in hell.

The internet is such a weird place.

Laughter is coming from the living room, cheering from the computer.

Kevin: What are you watching.
Me: (laughing) Cup stacking.
Kevin: Like actual cup stacking or is that some kind of euphemism?
Me: No, actual cup stacking.

The internet is a really weird place.  And I fucking love it!



BONUS POMPLAMOOSE VIDEO

I've never played angry birds, but I love Pomplamoose!