I don't recall forcing you to read this

I got an interesting message on Facebook about this blog.  Apparently, someone thinks that what I write is inappropriate.  To them I say (and did say), suck it up princess.  It did lead me to thinking that some people may just not "get" me.  So here is a FAQ about me, my blog and my life. (And the frequently part of the FAQ means the entire one person who asked if me and the kids are really like this in real life while telling me that my blog should be more kid friendly since her kids have access to it.  Sadly, we are no longer Facebook friends.)

Who the hell are you anyway?
I am Sara.  My oldest daughter's friends call me your Majesty. (No lie.  Once her friends asked me if my name was Sara and I said it is and then told them "but you can call me your Majesty".  And they did.)  My life has had more downs than ups and so I have made this blog to make fun of my everyday life as well as the tragedies.  I have narcolepsy as well as a mental illness I inherited from my father.  Maybe that's why I have a different sense of humour.  I always danced to the beat of my own drum as a kid and I don't see why that should be different as an adult.

Who the hell would marry you anyway?
That would be Kevin.  We were married August 23rd, 1997 and still remain married today.  In 2007, Kevin was rushed to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning after suffering a seizure.  Actually, he suffered two that day but I was working nights during the first one.  At the hospital, they discovered a growth in his brain called an AVM.  He is a special case because of the location, size and symptoms that accompanied his AVM.  When you are sick, you don't want to be a special case.  Kevin and I have a great relationship and say that we're lucky we found each other because no one else would want us.


Who the hell are Kid1, Kid2, Kid3 and Kid4
Kid1 is Lilly.  She was born in November 1999 (do the math to figure out her age, you lazy bastards!)
Kid2 is Madeleine. She was born December 2001.
Kid3 is Victoria. She was born May 2004.
Kid4 is Rosemary. She was born January 2006.

Do you really call them Kid1, Kid2, Kid3 and Kid4?
Yes, yes we do.  We originally called them Kid One of Four, Kid Two of Four, Kid Three of Four and Kid Four of Four ('cause we're geeks like that) but it just evolved to Kid1, Kid2, Kid3 and Kid4.  It goes like this. Me: "Kevin, you take Kid2 and Kid3 to their doctor's appointment and I'll take Kid1 and Kid4 grocery shopping."  Or for when those times when you just can't get the name right.  "Lil-er_Madel-er-Rose. UGH! Kid3, come here!"

Do you really swear that much?
No.

Seriously?
Seriously.

I don't believe you.
Well, fuck you then.  I don't swear that much, but I am a huge fan of hyperbole and sarcasm (I use hyperbole, like, eight thousand times a day) and think the written word can be entertaining when those two are used in combination with the unexpected (like a five year old dropping the f-bomb).  But, be warned that when you come over to hang out and we play video games, I swear like a mother-fucking trucker then.

Do your kids really swear like that?
No they don't.  I don't swear around my kids (even when playing video games, my swear word then is "frig-a-ma-jig!") and so they never picked up the habit from me.   I think they need to understand context first and so I keep it clean around them.

What colour is your hair?
I'm a natural red head.

So there you go.  Me and this blog in a nutshell because one person thought that they shouldn't police their kid's activity on the internet but that the internet should bend to her whims.  I think I'll post some hallowe'en hi-jinks tomorrow.  I did promise some people a picture.

A friend of mine used to call it "boweling".

I watched Wonder Woman's kids last night for her and as a thank you she took me and my kids bowling with her kids.  I would have preferred a night of doing body shots with Ewan McGregor, but I'll take what I'm given. So my phone is all buggered up and she couldn't call so she shows up at about 4:30 and is all like "Let's go bitch! I have the kids in the car!"
And I'm all like "Simmer down there sweetheart.  I didn't even know we were going right 'till this very second."
And she's all like "Enough with your lame excuses. Get your ass in gear and I'll meet you there."

So I ask my kids if they want to go bowling.
Kid4: "Bowling! Fuck ya!"
Kid3: "Damn straight. We're going to beat your ass so hard you won't know what hit you."
Kid2: "Bring it on bitch!"
Kid1 "Yeah, I guess I'll go."

So we all pile in the car and I drive us there and I don't get lost even though I didn't know where it was or that a bowling alley even existed in that area.  We go to get our shoes.
Me: "What size of shoe are you kid1?"
Kid1: "How the fuck should I know?  You're the one who buys them."
Me: "Just take a guess, you fucking ray of sunshine."
Kid2: "These shoes are too big."
Me: "Go exchange them then."
Kid2: "Oh I am, I just wanted to let you know that you fucked up."
Me: "I love you too."

Shoe drama ends and we go to the lane where Wonder Woman is getting us set up.  Today is her 40th birthday (and here I still being all 35 and stuff, suck it Wonder Woman) and she is spending it bowling with both of our kids. She asks what name I want.

Me: "Queen of Awesome would be fine."
Wonder Woman: "No.  How about slut?"
Me: "Sexy?"
Wonder Woman: "How about 'Person who would have sex with anyone for a box of doughnuts'"
Me: "How is that different from slut?"
Wonder Woman: "I think it's more along the lines of 'Whore'"
Me: "You could put 'Slut with good business sense'?"
Wonder Woman: "I'll just put 'Hottie'. You're going to be next to me, you should at least delude yourself into thinking you can hold a match."
Me: "Yeah well, I'm not the one who's forty today."
Wonder Woman's Kid1: "Would you two shut the fuck up and just put something down so we can bowl and I can get back to my video games?"

So we bowl.  I suck at bowling but I don't care.  My strategy it to throw the ball hard and not care where it goes.  That doesn't usually work out so well for me but they had those bumper thingies up for the little ones so I hit at least one pin each time.  We're doing fine, I'm doing fine and then frame eight comes around.  Ah, frame eight how I love you.  STRIKE!  Yeah, and the ball didn't even bounce off the gutter guard thingies so it was a real strike!  And then frame nine and FUCK YEAH STRIKE NUMBER TWO!  Another real strike! And then it all goes to shit in frame ten and I think I hit maybe three pins.  And then it's time to go home.

Me: "OK kids, pack it in. We have to get home before daddy because he doesn't have key and will be locked out."
Kid4: "Fuck that! I didn't get strike! I'm not leaving until I get a fucking strike!"

So we left her there.  I called the bowling alley a few minutes ago and she's still trying for her strike.  I told them to call me when it happens and I'll come and pick her up.



BONUS HALLOWE'EN STUFF
I'm not a huge Hallowe'en fan.  I love the chocolate and stuff and it's a free for all in this house with it so I get my share, but it's just so much work. Of course, that's my own fucking fault as I like to make the kids costumes. This year, the kids all decided to be villains from Batman.  My brother heard about this and told me he and his daughter were going out as Batman and Robin and so we decided to go together.  My brother is a huge hallowee'en fan and so he decided that I couldn't go out as just myself so he put together a Penguin costume for me.  I've been waddling and cackling since he told me.  I'll look dapper in my top hat, I think!

Public transportation and your five year old

Me: Kid4, we need to go downtown today.  We'll be bussing it.
Kid4: Fuck yeah! I fucking love the bus! And dowtown?  With those coloured trees?  I fucking love those!  Today is going to kick ass!
Me: Oh shit! We're out of bus tickets for me.  We have to go to Shoppers and get some before we go.
Kid4: All right mom! Let's do this thing!

So we walk to Shoppers and pick up some tickets for me.

Cashier to Kid4: I love your glasses!
Kid4: Damn straight you do.  My mom shelled out $200 for these bad boys.
Cashier: I especially love the inside of them.
Kid4: Yeah, they're the shit.  Not only are they yellow, but they are florescent yellow on the inside.

We get on the bus and all is cool. We can't sit together because it's pretty busy.  Kid4 is in complete bliss and am I a bit envious because I wish that riding the bus wasn't such a chore and I wanted to be five all over again but then I remembered what the teenage years were like and I don't want to live through that all over again.  A couple gets on the bus and gets off a couple of stops before us.

Kid4: Hey mom, see those two.  They're in love.
Me: How do you know.
Kid4: She kept hugging him.  You know, like when you and dad punch each other?  Like that.  Only not as bruising.

BONUS OLD PERVY WOMAN
So I'm watching The Fresh Beat Band with kid4 and I'm wondering if it's bad if I'm busy thinking about what the guys would look like naked and if they're any good in bed.  I'm a dirty old woman and there is a special place in hell for me, I think.  Please tell me I'm normal. Or at least tell me I'll have company in hell.

The internet is such a weird place.

Laughter is coming from the living room, cheering from the computer.

Kevin: What are you watching.
Me: (laughing) Cup stacking.
Kevin: Like actual cup stacking or is that some kind of euphemism?
Me: No, actual cup stacking.

The internet is a really weird place.  And I fucking love it!



BONUS POMPLAMOOSE VIDEO

I've never played angry birds, but I love Pomplamoose!

Beat those big bad bugs with the bug spray.

Yesterday I found one single bedbug hiding in a towel in the bathroom.  The scenerio went something like this:

Me getting out of the shower and grabbing the towel I had set on the counter to use.  Bedbug climbs out of the towel.  I throw the towel across the room and yell "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!"

I mean, we paid an exterminator over $1,000 to get rid of the fuckers in early July and one lives.  Oh, it doesn't live anymore.  That motherfucker is dead. But still, if there's one... (I threw the towel it was hiding in in the garbage).  To top things off, we have a bee hive in our soffit near the kitchen window.  We were just going to let it stay there (I discovered it during my two week mono house arrest) but Kevin left the kitchen light on overnight and the bees, somehow, got into the house.  In the kitchen.  Where I refused to set foot while a swarm of bees lay waiting for me.  So I call Kevin and tell him about the bedbug.

Kevin: Are you sure it's a bedbug.
Me: I know more about bedbugs than I ever wanted to.  It's a bedbug.
Kevin: Well great. Did you call the exterminator?
Me: No, I'm going to call him as soon as I get off the phone with you.  But, you need to come home.  I need you to kill the bees.  I think they're planning something.  Something evil.  Something sinister.  They saw the honey in the cupboard and they know.
Kevin: Yeah, I'll be there when I can.

I call the exterminator and tell him he's a fucking useless piece of shit and there's a bedbug alive in my house.  OK, no I didn't call him that because no exterminator will guarantee anything when it comes to bedbug.  I guess that makes them all useless pieces of shit but I hope they don't read this because I need one of them to come back and take care of the bee hive and possibly spray the house again.

So Kevin gets home and there is carnage everywhere.  Not a bee in the house is safe.  THERE WAS A FIREFIGHT! I am happy to report that there are now no bees in this house.

But there's still the possibility that there's bedbugs and that just pisses me off.  So I did what any good parent would do.  I took it out on the kids.  They came home from school.

Me: That basement is a fucking pig sty.  I want it clean.  You don't know how many bedbugs could be hiding in there.  No computer time until that place is clean.
Kids: Sure mom!  Anything for you! What the fuck mom!  You fucking bitch!  You make us do all the work in the house and you just sit on your ass and eat bonbons all day.
Me: I am hanging on a thread of my sanity.  Clean the fucking basement or I will go ape shit on you.

So the basement is on the way to being clean, my house may have bedbugs again and when life gives you lemons, make margaritas because then you'll at least be able to get drunk.

BONUS PICTURE

Freedom awaits them out there.  But if I let them go, who would clean the bathroom?

If being a stay at home mom is the best job in the world, why are you so happy when school starts again?

If it weren't for the fact that my kids would be eternally stupid because I can't teach, I would homeschool them so I wouldn't have to get up in the morning.  School really cramps our style.  But they're back to it.  Well, Kid1, Kid2 and Kid3 are.  Kid4 doesn't start for another couple of weeks because.... I don't know really.  I guess the kindergarten teachers need more time to prepare or something?  I know I would if I had a class full of 4 to 6 year old kids.  Hell, I would need more time to prepare and an advance in my salary to cover to cost of the valium I would need.

BONUS WEATHER UPDATE
Mother nature sure is nice to my kids.  The day before school started the weather turned cold so they wouldn't have to sit in a class while it was all nice and sunny and reminding them of how just a week ago they were outside playing (or inside driving me nuts).  If I were mother nature, I would have made it the nicest day of the whole summer they first day of school.  That way, those of us who don't work could sit outside and sip a martini and gloat when our kids came home from school.  As it is, I played video games all day and gloated about that.

Two weeks of house arrest can do strange things to a person.

I hadn't left the house in two weeks before today.  Two weeks of looking at the mess that needs to be cleaned and yet not being able to clean it because I'm too mono-y to do anything other than sleep.

Today, I went to Zeller's (think Target only for Canadians) and bought a pair of new shoes for Kid3 and Kid4 (I mean I bought them each a pair of shoes.  I don't make my kids share shoes.  I mean, I tried, but the school got annoyed that they had to hop everywhere.  Motherfuckers.), medicine for Kid2 (she has some fucked up kidneys) and nothing for Kid1 (because I don't love her as much as the others).  I also bought a vacuum because it was on sale and mine doesn't suck.  Well, it DOES suck, but not in the way that you want a vacuum to suck.  What I'm trying to say is that it's a 15 year old piece of shit.

The thing I miss doing the most since having this mono thing is going on my 20-30K hikes with Wonder Woman (who you met in a previous post).  We like to do them once a week in the summer but only managed to get two in this summer due to mono and bedbug issues.

We usually aim to get there at 8:00 in the morning.  On a weekend.  In the summer.  Because we're both fucking crazy but it's five hours of kid free time so we do it.  And I miss it.  Because two weeks of staying in the house fucks with your mind.


Also, during my house arrest, I discovered that I have a bee hive in the soffit on my back porch.  (And my spell checker is telling me that soffit isn't a word but fuck you spell checker!  Even wikipedia tells me it's a word.  Spell checker is such an asshole.)  Here's my plan and tell me what you think.  Since I didn't get what I wanted for my anniversary, I should instead convince the bees that I am their overlord.  They're highly intelligent insects, I am lead to believe but I think I can do it.  It will involve me covering myself in honey until they assume I am just part of the hive and then when I am part of the hive I will be part of the hive mind and when I am part of the hive mind, my more developed brain will be able to control the hive mind.  So, who will be able to stand in my way when I order a swarm of bees to attack?  Fucking no one, that's who!  She who controls the honey, controls the fucking world!

BONUS MONO UPDATE
I'm down to one nap in the afternoon now.  So basically, I am on par with a six month old.

Fun times in the E.R.

I have mono.  I find that funny for some reason but it's not so funny when all I can do is sleep.  It actually started with me going to urgent care.  I called my friend, who I will call Wonder Woman 'cause she's awesome like that, to drive me there at 5:00 because the web site said they closed at 6:00.  Wonder Woman drops me off and tells me she'll come hang out with me later because urgent care is where it's at, baby!  Yeah, they closed at 4:00.  FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE FUCKING AFTERNOON.  Hello Urgent Care people!  Most doctors are still open at that time!

Anyway,  I call Wonder Woman and tell her to come get me except I don't have her cell number.  So I call her house and tell her husband that he needs to call her to tell her that urgent care closes at 4:00 and they're all a bunch of big fucking liars.  But he deosn't answer so I end up leaving a message.  And then I call my mom, who was watching my kids at the time, and tell her she needs to call Wonder Woman's cell and urgent care are a bunch of big fucking liars.

So Wonder Woman picks me up and we go to the E.R. at University Hospital and she drops me off telling me she'll be back after her supper because, fuck urgent care, E.R. is where it's at baby.  I love that place!  It's where Kevin and I spend many hours each year, alone, together, waiting for the newest results of his CT Scans or MRIs to tell us his brain isn't bleeding after another seizure.  It's our own date night.  (Nothing says romance like bed pans and IVs).

The triage nurse - "Why are you here?"
Me - "Because I love the atmosphere here.  The lights are dim and everything is so clean.  Also, I think I have a UTI and I can't stay awake for more than two hours. Plus I'm dizzy and I'm not even drunk.  Yet."

So I go to the waiting room and fall asleep which is kind of hard because it's freezing and the chairs are not really comfortable but I had become a champion sleeper, what with the narcolepsy, so I do doze off.  Then they call my name and they put me in bed C-13.  I got all nostalgic because bed C-13 was the bed Kevin was in when they kept him from 7:00pm until 2:30am and we made up our own game of eye spy.  It went like this "I spy with my little eye something that is big, flat, you're lying on it and it's your bed."  And since it was so late at night we thought it was fucking hilarious but looking back now... no it's still fucking hilarious.

So after a while the doctor comes to see me.  I tell him that I'm pretty sure that I have a UTI and I've been tired and dizzy and my head has been numb and I've been slightly fevered.  He did all these drunk tests even though I kept telling him that I hadn't had anything to drink.  So he's all "we'll give you something to feel better and test you for a UTI but I don't know what to make of your symptoms."  And then I asked him to test me for mono because I had been kissing a lot of random people and he said sure I'll test you but I don't think that's it.

So the nurse comes over and asks how much I had to eat and drink that day.  I told her since it all came back up I don't really know if it matters how much I had to eat and drink and she agreed with me.  Then they put an IV in me and I guess they did something wrong because I watched the nice clean sheet I was covered in turn a lovely shade of bright red.  The nurse was all apologetic since it also got on my clothes and I was pissed because I came wearing my wedding dress and now it's ruined.

I keep falling asleep and waking up and falling asleep and waking up and falling asleep and waking up, waiting for Wonder Woman to get back and keep me company. But then this announcement comes over the speakers "Attention all staff, tornado warning is in effect". So I figure that since she's Wonder Woman and not Insane Woman, I would be alone for the rest of my visit.

Then I get a new neighbour.

Neighbour - "I had an HIV test done yesterday."
Nurse - "Do you have multiple partners?"
Neighbour - "Well, I'm a gay man and I like to get around."

I decided right then and there that I had to meet this guy but he left before I did and I was sleeping when he left so I never got to meet him.

So all of my tests come back and HEY!  I do have a UTI and HEY!  I do have mono.  So I'm thinking I should get forget my current "job" of staying home with my kids and work in the E.R. because clearly I'm better than the doctor who didn't think I had mono.  So, in your fucking face doctor!

And then I can't go home until the tornado warning was lifted and I don't get home until 11:15pm and I spend the next week sleeping.  And probably the week after that.  And fuck it, probably the week after that because I don't think I'm ever getting better.  Shit.

BONUS HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE
When Kevin had his first seizure in 2007, it was the first time since he left the hospital as a baby that he was there as a patient.  So they take him to have a CT scan and they come back with the news that Hey dudes!  Guess what, Kevin's get some extra brain in there but we don't know what it is yet so we're sending you to University Hospital to have an MRI!  And all Kevin does is complain about how much his IV hurt.  Fucked up priorities or fucking great drugs?  You tell me.

It's not really about video games, I promise.

I babysit my friend's son who I will call Borris for no other reason than I think more people should be named Borris.  He and I were hanging out playing Gears of War 2. Well, I was playing and he was shooting at the screen with a hockey stick machine gun (which is kind of cool but nowhere near as badass as the machine gun with a fucking CHAINSAW you get in the game). 

I turned off the swearing and the excessive blood for him because, even though it's normal in this house to hear "I said get me the ketchup, bitch, or I will come over and beat your fucking ass!" from the kids in this house, I know that most other parents like the "please" and "thank you" way of doing things.  And even though in this house the kids think an awesome head shot is a thing of beauty, I know most parents like to stick with Sponge Bob or some shit like that.

So I'm playing and there's the occasional "damn" "ass" and "hell" to be heard but I know my friend will be OK with that because those are words she says from time to time, even around Borris.  And then Dom dies (for those not in the know, you play as Marcus and Dom is either your co-op or AI partner and hell if you're not in the know, go out and play the game because it fucking rocks) and I go and revive him and Marcus says "Get up you pussy" when Dom is revived.

And I'm thinking "Shit!  She's going to kill me!  I went to all this fucking trouble to not have the swearing and Marcus pulls this shit!  Oh well, maybe Borris didn't notice."

And then Borris says "Get up you pussy!" while shooting his hockey stick machine gun at the screen.

I spent the rest of the afternoon listening for him to keep calling everyone a pussy but he didn't so he either didn't hear or he loves me so much he wants to keep me from getting in trouble.  But I did tell my friend, just in case Borris went to her the next morning and said "Hey mom! Get up you pussy!  I love you!".  My friend just laughed when I told her because I have fucking awesome friends.


BONUS ABSURD VIDEO GAME DIALOGUE
I was replaying Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood and I get to the part where Desmond goes to eat a sandwich and Rebecca calls him a carnivore.  And then Shaun is all "You know plants give off pheromones that blah blah blah blah blah" and Rebecca's all "You know too much stuff".  Or something like that.  Anyway, what Shaun should have said is "Rebecca, you do realize we're fucking ASSASSINS right?  That we KILL PEOPLE FOR A LIVING." Then he should have demonstrated by killing Lucy because she's such a bitch in that game.

Happy four day anniversary blog! And there's something else today too, I recall.

It's August 23rd.  Do you know what that means?  It means that I've been writing on this blog for FOUR WHOLE DAYS!  Oh, and I think it's my 14th wedding anniversary or something.

Aug. 23 1997 - Kevin and I get married and go to Ottawa for our honeymoon.  We were camping.  One night it rained really badly so we set out to find a hotel.  The only one that had any space in it was part of a seedy bar.  When they showed us the room, I started to wonder if maybe spending the night sleeping in the rain would have been a better choice.

Me: "Ummm, what the fuck is that thing?  It's like a spider web that hangs from one corner of the room to the next.  Are they breeding huge fucking spiders here?  Are we to be their next meal?"
Kevin: "You may be right.  We should take turns sleeping, just to be safe."

There's loud music from the bar directly above us.  I don't know what time it was, but the music stopped and then there was a barrage of loud, drunk and (I assume) scary looking people in the hall outside the door to our room.
Me: "Did you bring the shotgun?"
Kevin: "We don't have a shotgun."
Me: "What the hell were we thinking?  Who goes on a honeymoon without a fucking shotgun!"

I wonder how many people had fucked in the bed Kevin and I slept in.  And I wonder if they ever changed the sheets between visitors.  We slept on top of the covers in our sleeping bags, both curled up in the fetal position, with one eye open and fixed on the door.

Happy Anniversary Kev! We were so young, so... undead.

BONUS ANNIVERSARY PRESENT IDEA!
I saw this in an article at Cracked.com.  I don't want one.  Oh no no no no.  I want ONE FUCKING THOUSAND OF THEM!

That's a Draganflyer X6 Six Rotor UAV.  Here's what they say about it:

The Draganflyer X6 is a remotely operated, unmanned, miniature helicopter designed to carry wireless video cameras and still cameras.

Their application for it, while practical for some people I suppose, fucking sucks.  I mean, sure, I would love to fly this thing up to someone's bedroom window and start snapping away and post those pictures on the internet but I am thinking that I would get so much use out of this beyond taking pictures.

Let's say your kid forgot her lunch.  Just fly that bad boy over to the school and it's delivered without having to leave your living room!

Words cannot describe how much I hate shopping. (OK, maybe they can.  I fucking hate shopping.)  But, if I had one of these following me around carrying my bags and making people dive out of my path in fear, I would never leave the mall!  Of course, I would put a little Santa hat on it at Christmas time.

Salesman at the door?  Have a few hundred of these fly over the roof and just sit there at the edge of the roof looking at the guy when you answer the door.
Salesman: "Hi!  I'm here on behalf of some scam trying to get you to switch your natural gas provider. Do you have a copy of your most recent bill - HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT ARE THOSE?"
Me: "What? Oh those? Those are just a little science project I've been working on.  Don't worry, they haven't killed anyone."
Salesman: "Um, OK.  Like I was saying, do you have a copy of your most recent statement for your natural gas that I could see?"
Me: "Sure, just give me a minute."
Salesman: "Um, they just moved."
Me: "I'm sorry, what?"
Salesmen: "Your, uh, science project.  They just moved forward a bit."
Me: "Oh shit. Yeah, sorry about that.  They've been acting a little strange these past few days."
Salesman: "So, they're not supposed to move on their own like that?"
Me: "Well, no but since I started tinkering with their central core processors, I think they may have become self aware.  You know, this could explain why I haven't heard the dogs next door barking in a few days.... Now, what was it that you wanted.  Oh right!  My gas bill."
Salesman: "No, it's OK.  I can, um, see that you're terribly busy right now.  Yeah, that's it, you're busy.  I'll come back another time."
Me: "Are you sure?  I'm sure I can find the bill if you just give me another minute or two."
Salesman (from the end of the driveway): "No, that's fine!  I wouldn't want to take away from your obviously busy schedule!"

And of course a few hundred of these following me around would be a step forward in my world domination plan. Like Megamind's minions.  Only I would equip mine with flamethrowers.  And I would need a cape, an awesome haircut (I'm thinking purple) and some thigh high leather boots.  When I walk into the next PTA meeting with even just 50 of these following me and demand to be supreme dictator of the PTA, who will be man enough to stand against me?  Fucking NO ONE!

What do I want in a minivan? I don't know, do they have flying ones?

We are currently a one car family.  We have four kids.  We can't all fit into a car.  We can't all go the same place at the same time without some complicated plans that involves other cars and other drivers (and sometimes time travel).

So we are looking at minivans.  We can't afford one right now, but we are still looking.  Priorities in a minivan for me:

• kickass sound system
• a wall that comes up between the front and the back (like in a limo, but not because I want to have sex in the van without my kids seeing me, because I want to pretend they're not there also then they could have sex without me seeing them (but not with each other because that would be wrong))
• front and rear ejection seats
• rocket launcher
• ability to drop tacks behind me (just in case I am involved in a high speed chase)
• vending machine

Kevin wants a towing package but that costs an extra $700 so I think he's being unreasonable.

And I would have to name the van.  Currently we have a 2002 Jetta that is black.  We call her Ninjetta.  What would I call a minivan?  Minion perhaps?  Oh I know!  The gas chamber!  "Hey kids, you have five minutes to get into the gas chamber or I'm leaving without you!"
 
So we're looking at used ones.  There is actually one with a fucking sofa bed in it!  And built in vacuum (but I'm not entirely sure what a vacuum is, so I don't know if I should be impressed by that).  But it didn't have racing stripes so we stopped looking at that one. (And I just now realize that a fucking sofa bed would be much better than a just regular sofa bed.)

BONUS MEMORY:
One time we had to buy two new car seats because the old ones expired (who even knew they did that?).  Kid2 and Kid3 loved the boxes and wanted to sleep in them so we let them for a week.  "Get back in your box!" was said many nights that week.

Also, I have scheduled this to post at 6:00 AM on Monday so it would look like I was up and being productive at the time.

A day at the zoo. Also, pelicans are jerks.

Ahem.  Hi.  I have decided to completely abandon my old blog.  You see, I wasn't so good at updating it after a while.  And I wondered why that was.  And then I realized that it was probably because that it was just too philosophical for my own tastes.  Not that everything I wrote about was philosophical, or anything.  It's just, well, I'm a "if my choices are to laugh or to cry, I'm going to laugh so hard they'll be forced to commit me" type of person.  But the blog was cathartic and I miss it.  So I am starting this one.  And I am going to write about the day I spent at the zoo with my kids today.

I have narcolepsy.  It's fun, really.  It's kind of like being drunk, except take away all of the euphoria, reduced inhibitions and crazy, erratic behaviour parts.  What you're left with is nausea, imbalance, dizziness, and no muscle coordination.  See, FUN!  So I take drugs to help with this.  And these drugs keep me awake.  And I drove two hours at 7:30 at night today, taking the drugs at 7:00 so I would stay awake while driving.  And it's now 11:20 and they haven't worn off.  Also, I took decongestant, gravol and Ibuprofen.   I have so many drugs in my system right now Lindsay Lohan would be impressed.

My day at the zoo started at 7:30 when we left (it was a family vacation but Kevin wasn't invited so he stayed home.  Sucker (me, not him)).  As we were getting off the off ramp and onto the highway, Kid4 gets excited as we go under the overpass.

Kid4: "See Kid2!  That's the bridge WE WERE JUST ON!  HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THAT!"
Kid2: "Fuck yeah!  That rocks!"

Then I wanted to be a kid again and get excited about going under overpasses.  Then I wondered if I would have to relive everything past childhood or if I could stay a kid.  Then I started thinking of all of the things I would do differently if I could relive my life over again.  And then I saw a cloud in the shape of a penis and forgot what I was thinking about.

It took us two and a half hours to get there - but that was not my fault, it was rush hour when we hit Toronto.  I am directionally challenged and we don't have a GPS.  So I rely on my written instructions I copy from Google Maps whenever I go somewhere.  In my mind, Scarborough (where the zoo is located) is where Mississauga is (where the zoo is not located) so I start thinking it strange that we have to drive through Toronto to get to the zoo.  But, I got us there.

Me: "I did it kids!  We made it!  We didn't even get lost ONCE!"
Kids: "Yeah, can we get out of the car now?"
We get out of the car.
Me: "Aren't you guys even the slightest bit impressed?  We started in London and ended up AT THE  GODDAMN ZOO!"
Kids: "Just like millions have done before us. Big deal.  Can we go now?"
Me: "I'M THE KING OF THE FUCKING WOOOOOOORRRRLLLLD!"
Kids: "Mom, get off the fucking car and just pay for us to get into the zoo."

We get in the zoo.  We see some animals.  I don't have a watch.  I am starting to get hungry.  It must be lunch time!  But where to eat?  Hmmmm, there doesn't seem to be anywhere.  We'll just keep looking while we see all of these animals.  Oh, look.  Warthogs.  Look at those cute little things!  Just like hogs, but wartier! Can you cook those?  Would they taste like ham?  Is there not any damn place around here that even sells chips?  No.  Focus, Sara, focus.  Hey, Hippos!  Pygmy Hippos!  They're so cute!  And plump! And juicy! And would fit on a spit over a nice roaring fire!  With BBQ sauce!  (And somewhere in there I remember I told Kid1 to shut up.  I would have normally felt guilty about that but I was hungry and it got her to shut up so screw it.)

Me: "Kids, unless you want me to yell at you for the rest of this trip, we will be getting something to eat NOW.  I'm hungry and I'm cranky. We'll come back and look at the gorillas later.  Oh look!  They're eating!  Why can't I be eating?"
Kids: "But mom! We want to see the penguins first, you said we could see the penguins before lunch!"
Me: "That was when I wasn't hungry.  I'm hungry so we eat.  I'm mom.  I'm the dictator.  I'm the one holding the money.  WE EAT NOW!"
Kids: "But mom!  We just want to-"
Me: "Look, I talked to the zoo guy at the komodo dragon.  He said he lets moms throw in bratty kids who talk back.  Especially bratty kids who WON'T LET THEIR MOM EAT."
We ate and then went to see the penguins.

The penguins share an enclosure with the pelicans.  Look at the penguins:

Awwwww!  Who's a cute little bird who thinks it's a fish?  You are, that's who!

Now look at the pelicans.

Their looks even says "I'm an asshole".  They chased the penguins out of this tiny corner of the enclosure so they could... I don't even know.  It didn't look like prime real estate to me but I am neither a pelican or a penguin so what do I know.  The three that stayed there, stayed out of fear.  Fear of what the pelicans would do if they realized they were still there.  I mean, this is how they look WHEN THEY'RE SLEEPING!

 That penguin in the corner is wearing a look of terror!  Cute, adorable, terror!  But then along comes this guys:

Pelican: "What the fuck, penguin.  Didn't we JUST kick you out of here? Do you need another lesson?"
Penguin: "I don't give a shit.  I'm a penguin and everyone came here to see me be cute and do that swim/fly thing I do in the water.  Deal with it, motherfucker."

So we go and do more stuff at the zoo and we discover the Great Barrier Reef exhibit.  It was fab.  And then we got to the jelly fish.  Oh, the jelly fish.

Kids: "Mom, we want to go.  We haven't even seen the lions yet!"
Me: "No.  We can't. They're trying to tell me something."
Kids: "You've lost your fucking mind."
Me: "No, they are unveiling the secrets to the universe.  I can almost decipher what they're saying!"
I'm not sure what happened or how long I was standing there but what I remember clearly is coming to on the floor in front of the jelly fish tanks with a zoo employee holding what looked like a cattle prod.
Me: "I'm not sure what got into me there. Sorry about that."
Zoo Employee: "No worries, happens all the time."

After a long and fun filled day, I decided I love my kids enough to try to buy their affections and told them they could have a souvineer.  We don't usually go for those things.  Pictures are usually enough.  Looking back now... fucking jelly fish.

So Kid1 chooses a plush baby seal.  Kid2 chooses a plush penguin. Kid4 also chooses a plush penguin.  If your powers of observation are any good and you can count to four, you will notice that Kid3 is left undecided.  It was left up to Kid1, Kid2 and Kid4 to help her decide because I just started yelling "JUST PICK A FUCKING ANIMAL ALREADY! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE EVEN GOING TO EVEN REMEMBER THE DAMN THING EXISTS IN TWO DAYS!"

There was much discussion about what she would get but it was narrowed down to a plush baby seal or a plush polar bear.  While they discussed that, I stood there and wondered what would be a better club "The Bi-Polar Bear Club" or "The Baby Seal Club".  She chose a white tiger.

We left the zoo and went to have some supper at Swiss Chalet.  I felt like driving back to the zoo and getting one of those cattle prod thingies the zoo guy had.  My usually so angelic and perfect kids were all over the place.

Hostess: "For how many?"
Me: "Four kids and one aggrivated adult."
Hostess: Laughs
Me: "No, seriously.  Do you have seating for that?  Like a section where you pay the wait staff more and the customers can berate them and not have to leave a bigger tip for it?"
Hostess: blinks "Uh, no."
Me: "Too bad.  You could make a killing doing that."

Dinner lasted an hour and a half.  It was tasty, all right.  And it's nice to know that Swiss Chalet still gives those little finger bowl thingies with a slice of lemon in them at the end of the meal.  Even if the kids did want to drink the warm lemon water.  And even if I did let them.  But by the time we were done, it was 7:30 and we still had a two and a half hour drive left.  Shit.  Time to pop a wonder keep-me-awake drug.

We're driving in the stop and go traffic and I have the windows rolled down and we're listening to some music.  Loudly.  And I'm singing along.  Loudly.

Kid1: "Mom, you do know everyone can hear you right?"
Me: "Oh, you're right.  How rude of me.  I should ask them what they want to listen to." to the guy in the car next to me "Hey, the next song is The Distance by Cake.  Is that going to work for you."  he rolls up his window "Huh. Not a Cake fan I guess."
Kid1: "You know, mom, if we flew to Toronto, we wouldn't have to drive through it like this."
Me: "You're right Kid1! You stick one arm out your window and I'll stick one arm out mine.  When the car is going fast enough, we'll start flapping!"

Our brilliant idea didn't work so I had to drive the rest of the way home.

BONUS PICTURE!

"I can move my eyes independently from each other.  And I am killing you with my thoughts right now."